My Dad Has Cancer

Startled

2010-12-19T07:09:00.002Z

Today, I saw someone who reminded me of Dad. I was at a wrestling meet of my youngest son and as I glanced over at one of the coaches in the corner I saw my Dad. The same white hair and high cheekbones. The same white hair I am getting and the same high cheekbones my oldest boy has. Those cheekbones only showed up so hollow and defined after Dad lost weight during his bout with his cancer. I was so startled I almost called out and said, "Dad!" What are you doing?" I caugth myself. The man really looked nothing like my Dad when you started staring. So strange that I hadn't done this for such a long time.
Dad has been gone 3 years and 6 months. Time passes so quickly.

Moved House

2008-06-29T20:14:00.000Z

My blog it moved to My Dad Has Cancer

Almost a Year

2008-04-02T05:24:00.002Z

I had a dream the other night that Dad was alive and very sick with his lung cancer. It was very sad when I woke up. It felt so real. Last year at this time I remember I was starting to get ready for Katie's graduation and wondering if Dad would be alive for it. I remember thinking how I was going to have a funeral and a graduation close together. It was such a difficult time. I can't believe it's almost been a whole year. In someways it feels like a few weeks ago. I have to try and not remember the last 12 hours of his life because it is very painful to me. The disbelief of his final breath. The casual visiting of our family in his room that morning. too many too many sad things...

Grave Decorating

2008-03-10T01:38:00.002Z

Mom and I went to decorate Dad's grave today. Put up spring flowers and took down the roses that mom called "winter". The wind was blowing so fiercely we wonder if the flowers will stay put in the vase. Mom stuffed them with some paper and we will hope for the best. We drove around then and looked at all the graves. I actually like our cematary. It's quite old with some really neat old tombstones.
Dad is gone now almost 9 months. I remember the awfulness of it all in waves. There was good too. Lots of good. I never spent so much time with Dad until the last two years of his life. I'm glad we were able to keep Dad at home. It was hard, but why must everything be easy.

Getting along

2008-02-20T06:44:00.002Z

Been missing Dad lately. We found a bunch of old pictures the other day. Pics of Mom and Dads wedding, Dad at the grocery store sale, Moms brothers and sisters and Mother in the front lawn of grandmas house. Brought back a flood of memories. Sometimes it's just easier to get through he days by being superficial.

Today Would Have Been My Dad's 73 Birthday

2008-01-18T19:24:00.000Z

It's a sad day really. I think of Dad, gone for 7 months now and I can't believe it. Again, it seems like a different world, a different time, place. I cried last night and felt sad. Mark's dad died of lung cancer too. Mark was only 19 and I never got to meet his dad. I worry about my children. Will they be "prone" to lung cancer? Alec has already had a "cyst" removed twice from his lower leg at the growth plate, what does that mean for him? Katie, my oldest, is smoking. I am sick about it. So sick. So very very sick. I don't know what to do. She is almost 19, in college. She has to be responsible for her own actions. She is not a stupid girl. I have talked and talked and talked about lung cancer and smoking forever. She saw her grandpa shrink slowly every day and die of lung cancer. She smokes. god it hurts to think of it.,,

Christmas Coming

2007-12-22T06:07:00.000Z

Thanksgiving gone and already Christmas in few days. Time is flying by. I have been re-reading a book that is about a woman who takes care of her dad who is dying of lung cancer. I hate it, yet I read it. Sounds true to me. Hard to take and hard to put down. In some ways it feels good to know that other people have gone through the same experiences as you have. Some comfort in that. A week ago or so, Mom made a Christmas tree for Dad's grave and we took it to the cemetary. It fits right over the vase. We also took a greenery type deer and put him there too. It's so hard to believe that Dad is dead. I have been trying to block out thoughts of his sickness because it is hard to think of him like that now. It makes me feel so very very sad. In fact I can't really write anymore now.

Four Months Gone Already

2007-10-09T05:47:00.000Z

I keep thinking about Dad and when he died. The hospital room that day, the way he "talked" with his eyes until the very end. I keep remembering the last breath he took. I can't help it and I hate to think of it and I wish I could think of other things. Better things.
Not long after Dad died Mark and I thought we would go fishing at the creek. I went into Mom and Dads garage to get Dad's tackle box. I picked it up, opened it up and my mouth dropped open. Inside were a jillion cigarette butts. Neatly packed on top of his lures. In fact it looked like they belonged there. Obviously he hadn't quit smoking. I guess I knew that...deep inside I knew it. I shook my head and Mark and Mom stood there with their mouths dropped open. I felt such a...dismay...it seems like I was always telling my Dad not to smoke when I was a little girl. I hated the smell...although sometimes now I like the slight whiff of a cigarette burning... I don't smoke...can't stand it...I remember thinking...I wonder when he will die of cancer back when I was little.
terrible thoughts
Mom and I picked out a headstone. There is a fishing scene on the back. The only thing it needs is a cigarette and the picture would look like him.
Wish I could sleep

We Were in Our Own World

2007-07-26T21:47:00.000Z

Everytime I mow out at Mom and Dads house (weekly) I feel sad. I begin to think of Dad's last breathe, me saying, "Mom, he's going!", how he gasped twice and then...nothing. I remember how I lowered the head of his bed once minute before then, saying, "Just for a second Dad" and then another nurse and I pulled him up so that his feet weren't pressed against the foot of the bed. It was then, that he died. Right after we did that. Right after that. Right after that. I see his open mouth, like a baby bird. I see his sunken eyes. I hear that silence. The absence of breath. I see it over and over and over and over and over. I cannot say that this is why he died. I know that. But it feels like it was the reason sometimes.
Everyhing feels so strange about the cancer time. Not like a dream but...something not quite lucid just the same. Like a fog covered the last 2 years. Like a mist that descended and made everything seem close and thick and difficult and all our own world somehow. Like a deserted island. It's hard to explain.
Mom is doing okay. She sleeps at our house quite often. The empty couch in her living room, too much to bear. The silence of an empty home at night is much different than a quit afternoon.

Powered by Castpost

Blue Day

2007-07-12T01:43:00.000Z

I felt sad today. I kept wanting to call Dad up and tell him something I'd heard or something I saw or I wanted to ask him a question about something. I went up to the cemetary this evening and stared around at the grave. We haven't picked a headstone out although we've talked about it. There is a service "pin" thing there and our flowers from the funeral are still laying across the grave but I really am ready to have a headstone up. I want to be able to tend it.

I Had A Dream

2007-06-29T11:09:00.000Z

And Dad was in it. Also there was an impending flood. I remember seeing him standing there, waiting for us to pick him up or something. I dreamed we had to get these numbers for some type of registration. I remember knowing that the water would rise up to the level of the sky and we would die...like the world was in a self contained box. I wonder if that is what dad felt when he knew he was dying.

Unfinished Draft

2007-06-20T06:10:00.001Z

Today was the funeral. Very hard. Seemed easier to face this morning though. Night has a way of exaggerating the

Rest in Peace Dad

2007-06-19T06:04:00.000Z

I've often second guessed myself these past few days. Like...should we have put Dad into the hospital sooner? Should we have went back to the Oncologist after getting the "bad" PET scan report? Should I have hidden the fact, from Dad, that the scan showed "activity in the area of the left rib cage, and showed several other new growths, one pressing against the vital carotid? Most days I say, we did the right thing. Dad stayed home all the days of his life except when he absolutely couldn't get up without much much much more help than I could give. Just last Saturday, me, Mom and Dad sat outside his house, I lit a fire in their mainly unused chiimarree, and we got to enjoy the fire, the outdoors, the bird songs, the gentle breeze, the fact that we were NOT in the hospital or nursing home. Sunday, we did much the same...and Dad wanted a ride in my little bug. I complied of course...no whiplash at all! I stayed all night from that night on. Tht was the last day that Dad went anywhere. Monday, not only was Dad unable to talk, he didn't want go to the hospital for his zymeta or even have the bloodwork done. He needed help to get off the couch. He ate nothing. that's when we got the wheelchair, commode and aafter discussion, determined we would stay home as long as Dad had no pain and I could still get him up with stand by assistance from Mom. Dad was able to say at home until Wednesday then, we went into the hospital late afternoon for bloodwork, zymeta and in our heart we knew, final admission to the hospital. Mark had to lift Dad from the wheelchair into the Durango. God, what a heartbreaking experience. Dad was in a bad way. So weak, but still no complaints. Once in the hospital bed, which I haven't seen him lay down for 1 and 1/2 years (not to mention Mom), he rapidly deteriorated. He rested finally after midnight. I went home for a few hours and when I went back, I knew it was almost over. He died Thursday morning. Thank God he didn't have to suffer anymore. Today, is the funeral. Another difficult day. But I couldn't wish him back to suffer anymore.

2007-06-18T07:06:00.001Z

Larry D. Paisley
Jan. 18, 1935 - June 14, 2007

CAMBRIDGE -- Larry D. Paisley, 72, died Thursday (June 14, 2007) at Cambridge Memorial Hospital.

He was born in Cambridge on Jan. 18, 1935, to H. Dean and Clara E. (Moore) Paisley. He grew up in Cambridge and graduated from Cambridge High School in 1953.

He served in the U.S. Army from September 1954 to 1956, later finishing his enlistment with the U.S. Army reserve being discharged in September 1962. During his enlistment he was stationed in Germany.

He was united in marriage to Karen Stagemeyer on May 5, 1957. He was employed in the family business of Paisley grocery store one of the main businesses on main street in Cambridge. He worked in the store for 40 years. After retirement, he took up the job as a groundskeeper at the Cambridge golf course.

He was a member of the St. Paul Lutheran Church in Cambridge. He was baptized and confirmed as an adult in May of 1964.

He is survived by his wife, Karen; one daughter, Sheryl and husband, Mark McCurdy; one brother, Terry and wife, Marge Paisley all of Cambridge; and three grandchildren.

Funeral services will be Tuesday, 10:30 a.m., at St. Paul's Lutheran Church in Cambridge, with the Rev. David Feddern officiating. Interment will be in the Fairview Cemetery of Cambridge.

Memorials may be left at the Lockenour-Jones Mortuary in his name to either the St. Paul's Lutheran Church or the Tri Valley Health Systems.

Lockenour-Jones Mortuary of Cambridge is in charge of arrangements.

My Dad Had Cancer

2007-06-15T06:56:00.001Z

Stage IIIa non small cell squamous cell carcinoma of the left bronchus.

He suffers no more.
Dad died this morning, June 14th. We brought him to the hospital yesterday and he was admitted around 7pm.
I can't wish him back.
Not to the life he just left. Not to the shrunken man he'd become.
Cancer is an evil son of a bitch and steals you, inch by inch by inch. Cancer is a steady burn, like a candle wicks decline.

Cancer is King

2007-06-11T06:43:00.001Z

It's bad now.
Everyday someone asks..."So...how's your dad?", and I have to pause and say, "He's not good, he's not good at all". Even though I said that yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that...today...he's worse. Each day unfolds some new, bad. Every day is hell in it's own way. There is no word for this disease...this parasitic fungi...this appetite stealing, body wasting, sonofabitch cancer.
What does one wish for? Appetite? Freedom from pain? Verbalization? Will to walk, eat, bathe? Death?

Cancer is King

2007-06-11T06:43:00.000Z

More of the Same

2007-05-10T08:37:00.000Z

The serum calcium hasn't dropped. In fact the last one checked was 12.2 and the alk phos was higher, the SPGOT was higher, everything was higher. I think he was pretty dehydrated though. They are giving him a litre of fluid with each dose and I think that is helping as much as anything.
It just seems like a nightmare. He can't eat anything. He is crabby about everything. He says his pain is under control and he appears to be pain free. He just sits on the couch with his head hanging down most all of the day. I don't know how mom takes it. She wont' leave the house. I get the mail, the groceries, we mow their lawn. Mom is held prisoner, as we all are now...to this disease. Dad is on Prednisone now, Miralax for his bowels, Ms Contin for pain...bid, Darvocet for breakthrough pain, Coumadin, Lasix, Aldactone, Potassium. He can eat only smooth foods. His dentures don't fit and I don't see him going into the dentist office for a fitting. He is weak. He weighs nothing. He has no shortness of breath really...doesn't use O2. crazy ass disease

Another Chapter Started

2007-05-01T11:30:00.000Z

Got dad over to the local hospital for an IV infusion of Zymeta. While waiting for the serum calcium report (12), dad just kept looking at the floor, bent over, totally fatigued and horrible looking. I almost hoped they would keep him there. He hasn't hardly eaten in the last 2 weeks. Not much anyway. Finally they got him in and decided to infuse a liter of fluid with the med. He really seemed to feel a bit better right away. By that I mean, he didn't just look at the floor and he seemed a bit more animated. I think mom said he ate almost a whole fried egg, 2 strips of bacon and several different juices for supper last night. I'm sure the liter of fluid helped too. We go back on Thursday for another dose...if needed...which I'm almost sure we will.

Some Improvement (of sorts)

2007-04-25T04:27:00.000Z

Dad is using a walker now. He is okay with that. He can get about the house better. Mom told me that Dad said, after he fell the other night and couldn't get up, "I never thought I'd end up this way..."
Small victories are the epitome of cancer.
After the initial diagnosis the first came when they said Grade III instead of IV, then there was no spread, then he wasn't terribly sick from chemo just a little and then...on and on and on it goes.
For every down side there was a small victory, albeit tiny, squinting hard to find it victory...because without those little bitty scraps...you have nothing to hope for...

No True Words Can Tell You How I Feel

2007-04-23T04:31:00.000Z

I've become the child of someone dying with cancer.
No longer a nurse.
No longer someone who knows someone who "has cancer".
Suddenly, to the very marrow of my bones I, well, ache...for lack of a better word.
This is a feeling you can't really describe easily.
This is a sinking, nervous despair feeling that only anyone who has a parent or close family member dying of cancer would recognize.
Dad is shrinking by the hour it seems. Cheeks sunken in. Verbalization at a minimum. Pain seems to be under good control. He is walking with a cane now. Output is poor. His eyes look resigned to the fate at hand. I guess that's what I noticed yesterday. What often triggers my tears.
This is so very very hard.

Not Good News

2007-04-15T15:25:00.000Z

The PET scan showed several ribs with "activity" and several "new areas" and oddly no sign of the primary tumor. Several nodes with "metabolic activity" and lost of pleural activity now.
Not good.
Although I hate PET scans because they practically show a freckle I have a tendency to believe this one as Dad's condition has suddenly escalated and he is extremely frail, in pain and unable to eat much. We may be looking at hospitalization soon. We will talk with the oncologist on Monday.
I actually talked to the oncologist on Friday, and saw the report of the scan late Friday but I wanted to wait until MOnday to talk with Mom about it. Spare the weekend for her. Well...she found the report anyway.
I hope we can keep the pain at bay.
Dad looks so thin...can't weigh 130 now. The weight is just dropping off.
Cancer loves calories.
shit

Got Though The Scan

2007-04-13T10:11:00.000Z

Dad got through the PET okay. He didn't use O2, but we packed it just in case. He then had zymeta. He is SOOOOO thin. Mom and I went to Walmart and picked up SMALL sweat pants for him. I bet he doesn't even weigh 130. We don't even weigh him at home anymore. We don't want to know. I imagine he will get weighed next Thursday. We will find out then what the PET shows. Dad's calcium level was 12.4...the highest it's ever been. NO wonder he has been so lethargic this last week. If the cancer is in the bone I dont' know what we will do. But if not...he has GOT to have that surgery. When we got home dad was hurting and he took pain meds and ate only a little bit. Later, I was surprised to hear that he drove over to our house (though he stayed in the car) and dropped off some curtains that mom had been working on for me. He couldn't even get off the couch for 5 days, has Zymeta and ta daaa he feels a bit better. I don't think it will last many days but he will have to take advantage of his normal calcium level while he can.

Kearney Tomorrow...early.

2007-04-12T04:47:00.000Z

Going to Kearney for Dads PET scan. The last Oncologist appointment she said we need to find out if Dad's cancer has spread to the bones or if the hyperparathyroidism is causing the hypercalcemia. If there is no mets to the bones than she would feel comfortable reccomending the surgery to remove the glands. If the cancer has spread, of course, than this is the reason for the hypercalcemia.
Dad looks bad. Really bad. No edema whatsoever. He is shrinking, eyes wide and not talkative at all. He barely moves off the couch. You can tell that the zymeta helps the calcium stay in the norm for about 5 days and then...you can see Dad "melting", for lack of better word. Just 2 weeks ago...Dad mowed the lawn! On his rider of course...but...still...he hadn't done that for about 2 seasons. Now...he can't even face taking a shower. He is on O2. He is barely eating. He probably weighs less than 140 at this point. The PET scan will take over an hour and then we have to go to the Oncologist for the Zymeta. He will be totally exhausted I'm sure. I hope we can get him there without problems.

Anorexia the biggest issue now.

2007-03-21T18:37:00.000Z

Main problem is related to hyperparathyroidism at this time. Dad does not want the surgery needed to take out the overactive glands. This leads to his having hypercalcemia. This leads to him taking IV Zymeta every 3 weeks. The IV Zymeta is given to lower the high levels of calcium in his blood. The high levels of calcium can lead to some real life threatening issues. The Oncologist assures us that the side effects Dad has are related to high levels of calcium...NOT the Zymeta infusion. Nor does the Dr think that Dad's cancer has returned, yet. He seems to think it will be back though he doesn't say when or where. So...Dad weighs around 144 now, he is anorexic, food makes him absolutely sick when he thinks of it. We are dosing him with BOOST PLUS HIGH PROTEIN, Shakes, Smoothies...tying for frequent small meals throughout the day...whavever he will take. He gets out about once a day now...but for awhile...right after his last check u, there was about a month he didn't get out at all. His edema is controlled now. His breathing seems okay with dyspnea upon exertion but no need for oxygen. He occasionally uses a TJN treatment of Albuterol. He is to receive Zymeta every three weeks now. Nothing else on the agenda really.

Sick or...

2007-02-28T04:07:00.000Z

I think dad has pneumonia or a virus. He seems weaker and his voice is a bit hoarse. He has no energy. He doesn't want to eat...an ongoing problem. He requested his nebulizor medication. He is taking Darvocet frequently...I don't know if he is having that much pain since his last thoracentesis or...I don't know. He had some Levaquin left and started on that...but...I think he needs to go to the Dr. Of course he threw a big ass fit when I told him I was making an appointment and taking him. NO NO NO he told me.
okay...I get it. Don't help you
when I know better
shit
this has been a day from hell anyway and now I feel even more of a failure.
some nurse/daughter I am

Video About Soda and Cancer

2007-02-22T11:28:00.001Z

On February 24 and February 27, 2006, EWG (Environmental Working Group) purchased the following drinks at four major retail outlets in Washington, DC. They all contained ascorbic acid and either sodium benzoate or potassium benzoateâ€”the ingredients that the FDA and the beverage industry have said can mix together to form benzene, a known human carcinogen. The actual levels of benzene formed in these products may be at trace levels and well within legal limits for drinking water.

Country Time Lemonade
Crystal Light Sunrise Classic Orange
Diet Pepsi Twist
Diet Pepsi Vanilla
Diet RockStar Energy Drink
Fanta Orange
Fanta Pineapple
Fruit20 Plus 10 Natural Apple
Giant Fruity Punch Cooler
Hawaiian Punch Fruit Juicy Red
Hawaiian Punch Lemonade
Hi-C Blast, Orange Supernova
Kool-Aid Jammers Blue-Raspberry
Kool-Aid Jammers Cherry
Kool-Aid Jammers Grape
Kool-Aid Jammers Orange
Lo-Carb Monster Energy
Monster Energy
Pepsi Twist Lemon
RockStar Energy Drink
Sierra Mist
Sunkist
Sunny D
Sunny D Baja
Sunny D Intense Sport Cool Punch
Sunny D Orange-Fused Strawberry
Sunny D Smooth
Sunny D Smooth + Calcium
Tampico Citrus Punch
Tampico Grape Punch
Tampico Tropical Punch
Tropicana Twister Diet Soda (Diet Orange)
Tropicana Twister Soda Grape
Tropicana Twister Soda Orange
Tropicana Twister Soda Strawberry

Cancer SUCKS

2007-02-22T11:21:00.000Z

Dad had a left lung thorecentesis yesterday. For him, it was extremely painful...the worst one yet. He said, "I'm not doing it again", and I think I believe him. Maybe there will be no need for it. They drained off 800cc of fluid this time. He took 2 Percocet for the pain and I think those meds helped him.
He is to get Zometa on March 9th or so.
I guess he is not choosing to do the parathyroid surgery.
He is depressed.
The last time he went to the Dr. (and I couldn't go to this appointment) the Oncologist said things that were depressing Mom said....like..."If I were a betting man I'd bet this cancer will come back", and "If you are going to be around for 4 or 5 years more I would suggest the surgery"...and I guess the way he said things he was looking down at his hands and just...depressing.
Dad's weight is 140's. He isn't eating. Doesn't want to.
But his scans are good. State...No sign of cancer.
Although his Calcium remains on the high side. 11 this time.
shit, I don't know.
Bastard Dr anyway.
Bastard Cancer anyway.
Fucking cigarettes anyway.

Damn

2007-02-10T05:56:00.000Z

Talked with mom about 1 hour ago.
The endocrinoligist called and said he thinks dad does have thyroid trouble and wants him to see the surgeon on Feb 22nd in Lincoln.
DAMN. Just a bit of tarnish on our good news.

Good News

2007-02-10T05:55:00.000Z

Word on the CT scan?
Yes...C L E A R from cancer. Yes, there is fluid bilaterally. Yes there are radiation changes. No metastasis. No new growth. Nada.
Liver clean, kidney's clean, abdomen clean.

for now

Test Day

2007-02-09T03:56:00.000Z

Dad had a CT scan with barium swallow today.
We went up to Kearney, did the test, got groceries in Holdridge, and came home.
We go back to Kearney on Monday for the results.
We have not received the results for the test ordered by the endocrinologist either.
Do we want to or???
I don't know.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Music Video

2007-01-30T11:55:00.000Z

Another Row to Hoe

2007-01-25T03:58:00.000Z

We went to the Endocrinologist in Lincoln today. The Dr was funny and direct. He explained that he needed to have proof of hyperparathyroidism and wrote orders for bloodwork, 24 hour urine test and bone density tests. He also explained that the only places to have "mini surgery" ie laproscopic removal of any nodes, was in Tampa Florida or Wisconsin. Then, he explained that the surgery was still only a 1 day affair and tried to be positive about it. We will arrange to have all these labs done and then we are to call the Dr in 2 weeks, if we haven't already heard from him by then. This Dr. felt that Zymeta every month was a bit extreme. I hope he reccomends we taper that off.
Dad weighed in at 147 pounds.

Recap and Review

2007-01-17T14:44:00.000Z

Do you find it odd that the word "cancer" and "cancel" seem so alike?

We had an appointment to see an endocrinologist today, in Lincoln.
Dad canceled the appointment.
Tomorrow is his birthday. I don't know if that is the main reason he wanted to cancel but I'm thinking it is.
It's hard to believe that 14 months ago we were just begining this journey.
We've been through 33 radiation treatments, 4 "cycles" of Taxol/Carboplatinum, at least 5 "cycles" of Taxotere and we continue with monthly Zymeta infusions(for hypercalcemia).
Dad has random occasional mid left "rib" pain for which he takes Darvocet with relief. Maybe 0-2 times a day. He continues to fight lower leg edema and is on 80 mg of Lasix and 50mg Aldactone (which he occasionally halves the dose of both depending on how he feels. He no longer uses any O2 at all. Very rarely (maybe 1 time a month) uses a TJN (twin jet nebulizer) treatment. He gets little to no activity for reasons mom and I don't understand. He has no appetite. He has pain in the ends of his big toes. He doensn't really seem short of breath at all. He hac occasional constipation. The skin of his lower legs is dry and flaky from the edema that comes and goes.
He is smoking again.
We don't know what is next for sure. We will go to Lincoln next Wednesday for the appointment with the endocrinologist. Dad is scheduled for a CT scan this month to check the lung tumor area.
Right now the oncoligst calls Dad cancer free. We are just dealing with all the other problems that go along with the diagnosis of cancer.
I think there should be a 12 step program for being diagnosed with cancer. You walk into a room...you say, Hi I'm _____ and I have lung cancer. When I was 12 I had my first cigarette. It was love at first cough. blah blah blah

Once labeled a cancer person always a cancer person. People put their eyes on you and wonder...how long before the disintegration...
People ask constantly..."How is so and so??" and stating "Well so and so, you look so good!", hanging on the edge of their seat, waiting to nod in pity while turning to their friends and saying, "Doesn't so and so look terrible?".

If It Ain't One Thing It's Another

2007-01-11T20:30:00.000Z

Went to Kearney to the oncologist yesterday. Doc thought maybe Dad's calcium is staying high because of parathyroid involvement...perhaps a node there or something. If he could get that out, then he could quit the monthly Zymeda (which is now making Dad feel achy and crappy) so he wants Dad to see an endocrinologist. They are trying to set that up now. Of course there is no such animal as an endocrinologist nearby or anything. Omaha or LIncoln.

Christmas/New Year

2007-01-01T11:26:00.000Z

Both holidays have now come and gone.
Dad continues to fight "fluid" issues but hasn't been needing O2 at all. I suppose he needs his lung "drained" again. After the last thorecentesis, done here not in Kearney, Dad says he would rather drive up and have it done there instead of locally. He had much pain afterwards. Did not really get along as well. He has an appointment on Wednesday with the Oncologist in Kearney. I think, a scan too. Not sure about that. The fluid showed no cancer cells in it. Yayyyyy!
Dad is having some random pain for which he is taking Darvocet with relief. His weight conts to remain on the lower side (150's to low 160's) and he is requesting suspenders! I will have to be on the lookout for some neon ones. ha ha ha

Some Pain, Some Uncertainty

2006-12-12T02:40:00.000Z

Dad had his left lung "drained" Monday, 1 week ago, here at our local hospital. The Dr. got out almost 2 litres of beer looking fluid and said that he could have gotten out more but the pain was too much for Dad to take. We got a script for Darvocet for pain (actually one pill) and they went home.
Two days later Dad's weight was at an all time low at the oncologists office in Kearney. 155 lbs. I can imagine the left lung, filled to capacity, pressing down on the diaphragm maybe being the culprit. Mom got a gleam in her eye and was imagining all the shakes, supplements, vitamins, calories, juices etc she could mix to fatten up Dad. The usual Dr. has taken on a new partner and we like him. He is able to take time to explain the disease, side effects, labs, etc and also to offer up hope instead of only gloom and doom. This oncologist says that dad's fluid buildup may very well be heart related. (which is the lesser of two evils I guess) He ordered an echo and after looking at the overread (which only took a mere 1 FREAKING MONTH to get results from!!!!) stated that he would send a recomendation for more aggressive treatment of the heart to Dad's primary physician. He says often time a primary physician sees the cancer diagnosis and doesn't want to try to treat the whole patient. He so very right. At least 95 percent of them...in my experience. Always, though, it seems we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Dad has been having intermittant pain, on his left side and scattered various spots. He had the pain over a week ago but chose not to tell the Dr or nurses or us. He has been taking 2 or 3 Darvocet a day with relief. I am wondering if the pain is related to the Zymeta he gets monthly, the cancer, or something else. His labs are all very good, except for the calcium which is just a tiny bit high...10.4 or so. He has been taking a mineral supplement with over 200mg of calcium in it so decided to get off that. After researching Zymeta I saw that gi upset, pain in the chest can occur also intermittant pain. Mom has Pepcid and Dad is going to try that, he's going to cut down on the coffee a bit, drink more water, and I'm sure, drink shake, smoothie, supplement after supplement until he is fat and sassy again.
I've got a call into the clinic for cytology report from Monday, thyroid blood results and hopefully they will get faxed to us tomorrow.

Good News

2006-11-08T23:35:00.000Z

Today Dad had a Dr appointment in Kearney. The oncologist decided he needed to have his heart checked out. See if the fluid problem lies within that area. He doesn't think cancer is the culprit. So...now we pursue that. Good report really. The chest x-ray showed fluid in the left lung, as always but no tumor growth. We are happy but remain watchful.

2006-11-02T03:27:00.000Z

New Options...I guess you'd call it options...

2006-10-12T07:29:00.000Z

Dad's scan showed, hold your breath, fluid in his lungs...again.
duh
I'm afraid this is how things will be. Take the fluid out, back the fluid comes.
I would have to say that Dad doesn't have as many symptoms of the reaccumulation of fluid...as he did last time.
We went to the oncologist today.
Basically she said she thought the fluid was reaccumulating because of "cancer". I really think that Dad thought his cancer was, well, gone. Because of all the radiation, the chemo, the procedures he's undergone and the side effects of these things he had forgotton one thing. He has cancer. Cancer AND side effects of those other things.
The oncologist gave us three options. One...a different type of chemo, Two...consult with a thoracic surgeon who could put Dad in the hospital for several days, insert bilateral chest tubes, drain both lungs, "scar" up the pleural spaces and MAYBE this would work to keep the fluid from reaccumulating, Three...go on as we have been, still getting monthly Zymeda, draining the lungs as needed.
I don't know, for some reason I had convinced myself that the fluid was related to, perhaps, the radiation or chemo. As we were about to leave I thought to ask the Dr. this question. She said, No...the fluid is not caused by these things. She seemed sure. I still question it. I don't think she likes me. I don't think the nurses like us either. I hate that place. I see them visiting with other patients, caring, asking questions, touching, making eye contact...and then...they seem very very different to us. I wonder why.
Anyway, we have to talk about our options and figure out what to do now.

2006-10-02T04:08:00.000Z

Dad is to have a CT scan tomorrow. We haven't seen the Dr. in a month. Dad is pretty short of breath. His activity is very limited. His appetite is poor but he eats anyway. Time is flying and we don't know what is in store for us. Everything revolves around the cancer.
We maybe should have went to North Platte for treatment.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

Off Again

2006-09-11T08:07:00.000Z

We are heading up to Kearney soon. I talked with the on call (new guy of course...so new he is squeaking...but he did see Dad last Thursday os he sort of "knows" of him) Oncologist who is supposed to be setting up a thorecentesis this morning. All hinging upon the INR results to be < 1.5 (if not then it's fresh frozen plasma first) and really if we can make it to all the different buildings we have to go to in order to get the treatment done. I wonder if we can.
Every movement is difficult now. Air is a precious commodity.
I listened to Dads lung sounds and the left lung is completely filled up with fluid except for a small area of air movement. The right has a few rhonci.
We are supposed to get on the road and try to be up in Kearney by 8:30 - 9 this morning. I am to call the Oncologist while on the road (cuz it takes us 1 1/2 hours to get there) and they are supposed to be telling us where to go and what to do and yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda.
I know it's going to be a cluster.
We cannot have a bunch of wasted trips here and there. Dad won't be able to tolerate it.
I hope to hell they get it set up and set up so that this will be as easy as it can be.
I doubt it.

Downward Spiral

2006-09-10T05:05:00.000Z

Dad needs a left thorecentesis again...like yesterday really.
Why the hell we didn't already schedule it when we were at the oncologist is beyond me. It's like we are struck dumb at the office.
Of course we had the new guy...had to start over from scratch...had to do a cliff note on dads condition. Instead of getting set up for the procedure we ended up just adding Aldactone to the 80mg of Lasix per day.
Every day is a struggle now. The O2 is a necessity. Dad won't wear the portable though his sats dip below 85 percent. He is using a cane at times to walk to the bathroom..."for balance". His activity is extremely limited which in essense limits moms activity too.
There is no answer, no fix no way to make this easier.
We are waiting for Monday to call the oncologist and set up something.
DAMN IT TO HELL I WISH WE WOULD HAVE DONE THAT ALREADY!!!!!

Holding Our Breath

2006-09-07T03:51:00.000Z

We are going to Kearney tomorrow. We missed Dads Zymeta infusion on Tuesday. We just plain thought it was scheduled for thursday. Dad needs to see the Dr. too. He hasn't had much improvement in his breathing since the last thorecentesis. His activity is very limited. He doesn't like to wear the oxygen except when he is sitting on the couch. He doesn't want to wear the portable at all.
We will take it tomorrow anyway.'
I don't know if the chemo damaged dad's heart...put him into heart failure, if the excess fluid around his lower extremities will remain, if he has fluid building up in his lungs again, if the cancer has spread, if if if if if . I listen to his lungs and I hear diminished sounds, rhonci, but I can't really tell if there is fluid in the pleural area. I just have the worst time assessing his lungs. I always have...even before he had cancer. I don't know what to do really.
I caught him smoking on the back step the other day. He says he has been. 1 or 2 maybe. I didn't know what to say really. I felt pissed and sad and yet I understood.
Nothing is enjoyable for him or for mom. He sits on the couch and "rests" all day. Watches a bit of TV, eats sparingly. He drives to town once in awile but he doesn't want anyone to see him gasping for breath so that has generally limited his errend running. He can't mow. He can barely get to the step without grabbing furniture because he's so short of breath.
Everything seems overwhelming and uncertain.

Hanging In There

2006-08-22T02:56:00.000Z

Since Dad has his right lung drained things are looking up...as up as they can look. The fluid is caused by the chemo and we hope that no cancer cells will be found in this 1 1/2 litre of fluid. He is only using O2 when he rests at night...for the "healing" effect it has. He gets a bit short of breath when the humidity is high but other than that...he feels better. His BP remains a bit low and the PT/INR is an ongoing lab to check and change the coumadin.
Dad's hair is now coming back in. His fingernails and toenails are brownish and now growing out.
One wonders...now that the hair and the fingernails are growing will the cancer start in again??
Time will tell. For now we enjoy the fact that Dad can breath without assistance

Kindness Will Prevail.

2006-08-11T01:33:00.000Z

Mom called the oncology office on Tuesday and said that Dad wasn't feeling better and she wondered if the other lung could be scheduled to be drained as soon as possible. She got a call on Tuesday, from one of the nurses (surprise...no Dr call), who explained that Dad needed a PT/INR drawn, that he had an appointment to get the lung drained at 1pm on Thursday at the hospital.
okay.
Then, she got a call later Wednesday afternoon explaining that due to Dad's PT/INR being too high and that it was too late to "thicken" the blood with Vitamin K, Dad was to be at the radiology center for an infusion of platelets at 9 am and then he was to see the oncologist at her office at 11:15 and that he was still tentatively scheduled for the thorecentesis at 1pm.
okay
So, we got to the radiology department at 9am and found that not only was Dad supposed to have 3 units of platelets but that the nurses there are AWESOME and CARE about patients and their families. I cannot tell you how exceptionally nice it was to finally meet someone with compassion and empathy. It made me want to cry. Dad was actually assessed and monitored and cared for...by the people who worked for the facility. The staff made all the necessary phone calls and arrangements for us and it felt great! They even offered to make mom and I lunch (we declined) but my God how wonderful. Dad almost slept through the entire infusion. His O2 sats were 79 to 83 on room air and he was set up on oxygen and did he sleep! He tolerated the fluids well and as soon as they were done we headed up to "see the Dr".
yah right
You guessed it. We did not see the Dr. In fact, we did see the NP and she gave Dad a "thorough exam" NOT and was about to send us out the door as fast as she could so we "wouldn't be late for the prodedure"...in fact I had to say...Hey...is Dad's PT/INR okay? Will they actually do the procedure when we get there? When in fact, the only reason we were at the Dr office in the first place was the fact that we were told that since Dad's blood was too thin he had to have platelets and then have the PT/INR rechecked and then and only then after seeing the Dr could we for sure go and have the damn procedure anyway. But did she EVEN REVIEW THE LAB REPORTS BEFORE SEEING US?? HELL NO!! HELL NO!! AND HELL NO!!
I am sick of that place and their total lack of concern.
So is Mom.
Well, we got to go and have the right lung drained finally. Another 1 1/2 liters of fluid drawn off. Dad tolerated it well.
Mom and I are in agreement...We want to switch to the Cancer Center for all of Dad's treatments.
A little bit of kindness goes a hell of a long way.

Indifference Sucks

2006-08-06T03:05:00.000Z

We thought we might see a Dr today.
Nope.
Just because Dad had an invasive procedure...a right thorecentesis and had around 1 litre and 1/2 of fluid drained is obviously no reason to expect that a Dr. should want to see him.
At least the nurse called us and told us that there were no cancer cells in the fluid and the CT scan showed no obvious growth in the tumor.
We thought we would be scheduled to have the other lung drained this week. The CT scan showed bilateral pleural effusion...large pleural effusions. But...no. No Dr...no appointment. Just a lot of hurry up and get 'em through.
This centre is starting to really disappoint me.

Chemo Limo

2006-08-03T03:43:00.000Z

Powered by Castpost

We are going to Kearney tomorrow.
Oncology appointment.
Zymota again.
The CT scan last week, showed no new growth, fluid in both lungs. I don't know the cytology of the 2 1/2 litres of fluid they drained off yet. I forgot to ask them to send that lab report. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.
Dad's weight is down to 163. His lower legs remain edematous and potentially a source of breakdown. He has a bit of an ache in his left calf tonight. Probably a phlebitis or a clot. He always seems to get the worst of the deal. He remains on 80mg of Lasix daily. The fluid doesn't seem to be dissapating much. In fact it seems worse to me. He isn't using his o2 much though. He is much less short of breath. He looks skinny though, muscle wasted...gaunt. Appetite remains somewhat poor. Guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Several Daze Worth

2006-07-31T03:16:00.000Z

We saw the oncologist on Thursday and she arranged for us to go to Kearney the next day for a thorecentesis (lung tap). Dad was less than thrilled but hoped he would feel better after that.
Our appointment was for 1pm (or so we thought). We arrived at the hospital around 12:45 and the admitting clerk stated that Dad needed bloodwork and that had been scheduled for 12:30 not that we knew. Anyway, it was okay the clerk assured us and we wheeled Dad down a variety of mazelike halls and sat for awhile and waited for the lab. Dad was very short of breath and uncomfortable.
***reminder to self...when Dad gets lower back pain...I mean low low low pain...that means his lung is full of fluid...***
After the bloodwork we waited in radiology. It was around 1:05 so we weren't too late (or so we thought). We waited, we waited, we waited, I checked to see if we were in the right area, we waited we waited, I checked again and the lady says: Well, you aren't scheduled until 2:30. I was like...WHAT! No...the paper says 1Pm the admitting clerk said 1pm...the lady who called last night said 1pm. IT'S 1 FUCKING PM! I really didn't shout it...I just looked at her with glazed eyes and put my forefinger...yes, MY FOREFINGER up in the air that meant, 1 pm LADY! NOT I REPEAT NOT 2:30PM...DON'T YOU LIE TO ME!!!!!!!! MY DAD HASN'T HAD ANYTHING TO EAT OR DRINK SINCE MIDNIGHT AND YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASSES IN GEAR AND I DON'T MEAN MAYBE! DON'T LIE TO US....JUST TELL US...SORRY WE BUMPED YOU TO LATER BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE DR. ORDERED. JUST DON'T LIE!!!!!
Anyway, needless to say, Dad got in about 3pm and then after they drained off about 1 and 1/2 litres of fluid, which pained him terribly, they sent us to the ambulatory surgery wing were Dad was to be monitored for 2 hours or so. His BP remained low...80's over 50's....hypotension due to...?? cancer?? low fluid?? vagal response?? who knows
His O2 Sats came up fairly well with oxygen on and at rest. Normal really. He said that this tap hurt way worse than the last time. He also said that they wanted to drain the right side next week. Great. I told him that maybe with the fluid off his left side his heart would pump a little better and the fluid would dissapate better and also with the antibiotic things would clear up a bit better.
I don't know.
Finally we got on the way around 6pm. We stopped bv a shitty KFC and got a few ratty pieces of chicken for the drive home. I had brought some portable O2 and put that on Dad. He tolerated the trip well and it took us only 1 1/2 hours to get home.
He has an appointment with the oncologist next week.

Going to Kearney

2006-07-27T12:06:00.000Z

We are headed to Kearney to see the Oncologist. Dad went to the Dr. yesterday and his lung X-ray showed pleural effusion both sides and an increase in the leff sided pleural effusion. His o2 sat, at rest, was 86. With walking it was 79. Yes, he qualifies for o2. No he didn't want it. Yes I ordered it anyway, took it out, and showed him how to use it.
I imagine Dad needs his lung tapped.
He is not thrilled.
More later.

A Myriad Of Annoying Side Effects...or ?

2006-07-26T01:47:00.000Z

If there is a side effect from Taxotere listed Dad seems to get it. Dad's lower leg edema has decreased somewhat. He still has some rales and crackles in his right lower base posterior and is somewhat diminished anterior on the right side as well. Of course the air movement is fair to poor on the left (cancer side) and I believe I hear the pleural(effusion) fluid creaking with each breath.
Dad has his bloodwork taken and a chest x-ray done today. We saw the bloodwork and most everything looks GREAT! His INR/PT is a bit lower than the Dr. likes but that is just a coumadin fix. The hgb is 15.3, wbc is 6, the platelets normal, the BUN and Creatinine normal, the Alk Phos...normal, the Calcium...normal. Well, then...what next? Dad's was sitting with his head bobbing around like he couldn't even support it when I saw him this afternoon. I thought, "Hospital", instantly. He had an appointment with his PA tomorrow at 3 p.m. I called the clinic and talked with his PA, got the appointment moved up to 9 a.m. tomorrow, got his Lasix increased to 80 mg today and tomorrow, (along with his Kcl), and we shall see. Dad has a tightish cough, so I encouraged him to increase his fluids, do his breathing treatments and made him...along with me and Mom. a strawberry lemonade smoothie. Later on tonight, Dad seemed a bit stronger. I don't know if he is depressed or sick or both or what to do really. I think he needs that pleural effusion drained but I hate to think of that. Dad does too. He doesn't want to do that again.
We may have no option.
It almost seemed that Dad felt better while he was getting chemo. Of course the steroids probably helped!

This and That

2006-07-17T03:55:00.000Z

I don't think Dad has shingles at least. We did have to go to the Dr here in town on Thursday because Dad wasn't diuresing very much. We were hoping for an increase in the Lasix. I'd noticed that Dad had 2-3 plus pitting edema in his lower legs and bilateral lung sounds were quite diminished. The problem is that his BP is running low...100's over 50's routinely already and the increase in diuretics could decrease the BP more. Anyway, after 1 hour and 45 minutes wait we saw the PA and he did order an increase in the Lasix (and Potassium)for 5 days, added Aldactone daily and ordered some labwork for next week. I set up Dad's pills in a med cassette, put his TED hose on and that was that.
Saturday, while I was at the swim meet in Lexington, I called Mom and she said that Dad was having a really bad backache and not peeing at all and she was worried and had called the on call DR. (who changed nothing) and then I got worried. I thought to myself...maybe the Taxotere has damaged Dad's kidneys, maybe there is mets, maybe he has an infection, maybe his prostrate is blocking the ureters, maybe he needs straight cathed, maybe maybe maybe. By the time I got home, Dad was starting to diurese at a remarkable rate and continued to do so today. His BP is quite low and his back still aches a bit. Tomorrow, he has an eye DR appointment in McCook. Mom will take him. I hope he will not be too dizzy We may have to call the PA about the fluid, BP, etc. Dad's weight went down about 5 pounds.

Chemo Vacation

2006-07-09T02:52:00.000Z

I went with Mom and Dad to the Oncologist on Thursday. After a chest x-ray we were to visit the Dr. and Dad was to get Zometa and chemo. We weren't looking forward to the chemo because Dad feels kind of blah. His eyes are tearing sooo badly. He went to the eye Dr. (for the first time in his life) and got his tear duct opened up on the right side and the Dr. told Dad that he doesn't even have a tear duct on the left side. Weird. Anyway, besides the constant tearing of the eyes Dad feels tired and a bit short of breath. He has had some increase in lower leg edema. TED hose seem to help a bit. And he started taking the Lasix pills regularly again. Dad also has some neuropathy pain, slight, in the tips of two of his fingers. There are many little, annoying things that are bothering him. Especially frustrating is the fact that he can't taste anything.
Much to our surprise, after waiting in the room for 45 minutes, the Dr came in and said, "How about a vacation from chemo for 3 months?" Of course we asked about the x-ray and the Dr said that it showed an increase in fluid in the right and the left side...which she attributed to the chemo. She stated that the tumor didn't appear to be bigger and that she thought a break in chemo would be beneficial. We were good with that. Dad will have to have Zometa every month...but that is cake...no side effects there. So the next CT scan/chemo will be in October, unless, the Dr. said, Dad begins to feel worse ie...bony pain etc...
So...next appointment will be around the second week of August.
Hopefully some of the side effects of that Taxotere will subside.

Oh yah...tonight Dad pointed out a series of hive like areas on his torso and leg...please not shingles I hope.

Sore Eye

2006-06-29T06:14:00.000Z

Dad has been having alot of tearing from his eyes...especially his left one. The oncologist suggested some eye drops and they help a bit but now they say...eye Dr. There is a side effect from Taxotere of tear duct blockage potential. So...right now...dad is using the drops and applying warm moist packs and we will see what happens.
He has an occasional loose sounding cough...but it seems to be related to the sinus drainage crap.
Weight good. Hgb...could be better...12 ish. PT/INR...stable. White count is low. No chemo this week. He has a CT scan next week...then...how many more chemos??

Chemo Day

2006-06-23T04:38:00.000Z

Dad had Taxotere today. His labs looked good...though his hgb is only 12.1 and I'd like to see that higher. His PT/INR is stable and no med changes were made. His white count is a bit low and I don't remember that happening before.
I wasn't able to go today or last week either. Work is starting to close in on me. Next week dad has no chemo and the week after that...another CT scan and chemo and a Dr. appointment. Maybe then we will find out if he needs more chemo or he can take a break for awhile.
I wish only that Dad could taste food now. He really misses that. Everything tastes like crap, he says. He seems tired lately. He has a bit of a cough...loose...like a sinus drainage type of cough. When he doesn't use his eye drops he has "drippy eyes" and "drippy nose". Tobredex QID seems to help with this. Dad says he wonders if he will ever get over the effects of chemo. He says he feels "fuzzy" and "not right". He doesn't seem to wonder aloud if he will ever get over the effects of lung cancer.

3 Weeks On 1 Week Off

2006-06-20T05:01:00.000Z

That's the chemo routine...so far.
Dad looks good really...maybe a bit frail. I noticed today that his forearms are smaller. Generally his body just looks smaller. He weighs about 172 or so. Staying the same really. Just muscle mass shrinkage I guess. He occasionally has a productive cough. Not often. His hgb rose a bit up to 13 something this last time. I was glad to see that. His PT/INR is staying where the Dr's want it...between 2 and 3 for the INR. Dad occasionally takes Lasix for fluid in his legs...just prn and he also takes Potassium when he takes Lasix other than those meds...he just takes the weekly toxic waste. I wasn't able to go last time. Hopefully this week I can finangle it. I will be short staffed at work the first few weeks of July so that may be a problem.
I went out and used the weed eater aka Bush Hog at Mom and Dads this weekend. That place is a lot of yard work. Maybe going to be too much for them to handle soon. I'm not sure. I've always loved that place and I'd hate to see it sold to an "outsider" but I can see that eventually the work is going to be too much for Dad.

Chemo Nose, Chemo Eyes, Chemo Tongue

2006-06-12T07:34:00.000Z

Dad has been having some annoying side effects from the Taxotere. Mouth "soreness" but no sores, loose stools occasionally, and a rashy dry area on his forehead. His nose and eyes are "running" too. The worst thing? He can't taste anything. Since he can't smoke anymore and his food tastes like nothing he can enjoy none of his old vices whatsoever.
Mom and Dad saw Dr. Lewis mentor after his CT scan for possible treatment of those above symptoms. Dr. Mentor reviewed the chart, spoke with dad and basically said, These things will pass when the chemo is over.
The end.
Dad was satisfied.
okay then...
This week, when we went back up, Dad got another round of taxotere, zymeda and a prescription for eye drops He is using Aveeno lotion on his rash and that helps. The eyes are slightly better. His nose...still running. His is slightly forgetful. His bloodwork is good. His skin is still too dry. He has only a bit of a cough. He is taking his Lasix prn...but a bit more often lately. His weight was up to 176. He is eating well even though there are no discernible flavors...except maybe strawberry. We've tried having him eat a sour pickle before meals...but...it didn't work.
He got signed up for chemo through July! How many cycles are they going to give him? It sure would be nice if a Dr. would be available to visit with you once in a great while. I've read where they give up to 9 cycles...but hell...I don't even know how many Dad's had. Seems like a zillion or so. He started off with Taxol...had 4 of those...then we switched to Taxotere...and he's had alot of them.
I'm going to get some answers tomorrow by God or that clinic will regret it!

Good Report

2006-06-03T04:34:00.000Z

We just got the CT results faxed to us and everything is "stable" so that's good. No growth, no new nodules. There is a bit of increase in the pleural effusion...but not significant. I wonder if that is due to the radiation or the chemo itself. EVerything else is the same.
Due to medication side effects Dad can't taste anything except raspberry jello and his hgb is 12.7 so he is a little more "run down" feeling I imagine. Maybe he will be done with this type of chemo now. I hope so.
He is supposed to see the oncologist on Thursday so maybe things will change at that time.
At least now I feel a little bit better about being gone for a few days on the BRAN ride.

1 Treatment Left...maybe

2006-05-29T19:22:00.000Z

Dad got Taxotere last Wednesday and this next Wednesday he skips chemo (yayyyyy) and instead...gets a CT scan. Then in 2 weeks he gets the results of the CT and another treatment of ZOMETA. I hope the chemo is done now. Dad is getting knee aches and tongue burning along with the occasional hurling squirts (loose stools)...and food tastes like shit!
I noticed his forehead looks blotchy too.

Chemo yet more and again

2006-05-15T16:35:00.000Z

Dad had a Dr. appointment on Wednesday and they decided to do Taxotere 3 more times or possible 4...one per week before they finish. What a surprise. Everytime we go in for the "last treatment" they decide it isn't the last after all.

whatever

We didn't ask why because we don't want to know.

I hope the diahrrea will not increase or the chemo dose my need to be decreased.
I may not be able to go to a few of the chemo treatments this time. Alec has a Dr. appointment and if I do ride the BRAN ride I'll be gone then too. We'll see.

Hanging In There

2006-05-08T02:04:00.000Z

Dad got a "painters" mask to wear when he mows. Now he needs some type of goggle to keep the dirt out of his eyes. It is sooo dirty and dusty here. We need rain and a lot of it.
His PT/INR would have been perfect if it was supposed to be in the normal range...the INR is supposed to be between 2 and 3 and he was 1.27 or so. Now he is taking 1.5mg Coumadin then the next day 3 mg Coumadin then the next day 1.5mg and so on and so on.
Dad last had a chemo treatment 2 weeks ago this Wednesday.
He had one nosebleed about a week ago. Some hoarseness that I attribute to sinus drainage and probably his chemo. One day of body aches and tiredness.
Dad says he is having more side effects from Taxotere than he did with Taxol. His tastebuds are bleah. Although he was able to "taste" red jello the other day, most everything else has no taste and it's a bear for him to eat. He does though. His weight is staying stable around 173.
He has one chemo left on Wednesday (maybe) and I hope it goes well.
Mom and Dad had their 49th Anniversery on Friday (same day as my 40th birthday) and I should have had a big celebration but didn't.
Next year...the big party.

Shortstack

2006-04-27T02:25:00.000Z

Dad had chemo today. Just the pre med of Decadron and then the Taxotere. Since there weren't as many bags of meds...Dad called it the "Shortstack Chemo" He tolerated it just fine. No nausea this time. We ate at Perkins and he had the 55 Plus Traveler...his "regular" meal. Dad's hair is growing at a remarkable rate...not coming in curly, black or weird at all. Silver, just like before the chemo.
Mom and I left Dad at the clinic and went to Minnards to pick up a respirator mask with a filter and goggles so Dad could mow without breathing in the dirt and other things that fly in the air around his yard. I told him to just get a space suit...!
Dad's PT/INR was around 5.2...high as usual. The Dr. ordered Vitamin K 2.5mg every day AND Coumadin 2.5mg (the dose he has been taking) !!
How STUPID! Isn't that like taking Milk of Magnesia AND Immodium AD I asked??!! Why take 2 pills when you can just lower the dose and take 1?? Why not just lower the dose to 1.5mg like Mark and I have wanted him to be on from the get go!!!!! I argued with the nurse a bit...of COURSE the Dr. wasn't around. I just feel that this order is totally off and I don't agree with it!!!! Dad doesn't want to rock the boat but I HATE THIS ORDER!!!!!! It pissed me off. Can you tell?

I just got off the phone with Mom and she said Dad has terrible loose stools. I visited with Mark(he was at the pharmacy) and we hopefully we will get that taken care of with some metamucil or some type of bulk.
Rats...I was hoping he could tolerate this med without any trouble. I guess there are so many people who have worse symptoms we should thank our lucky stars.

On The Road

2006-04-19T13:41:00.000Z

On our way to Kearney in a few minutes for Dads chemo treatment. He had a CT scan last Wed and we get the results today.
Nerve wracking really...waiting for results.
What next.
This may be dads last chemo or it may not...
He wants a cigarette so bad he can't hardly stand it.
Good thing he never tried crack or cocaine...maybe

Do Doctors Read Their Patients Charts?

2006-04-14T01:17:00.000Z

Dad goes to Kearney for another CT scan tomorrow. I won't be able to go as I have to work. Hopefully we will get good news.
Dad's gotten along remarkably well with the Taxotere. He's lost his eyebrows and eyelashes so that makes for a SURPRISE! look all the time but other than that...no probs.
The only problem we are having is with the coumadin ("blood thinner") medication. I really feel that the Dr and nurses there have little to no idea of what a patients history is when they look at the labs and then call with med changes.
good god in heaven.
I mean...get this...if your blood is too thick you are prone to a clot so you increase your coumadin...if you are too thin...you can have a bleed out...so you may take Vitamin K...if it's really "thin" and lower your dose. Okay...Dad has been bouncing around with his meds(per Dr. request) and yesterday...he was too "thin" Today...I can't hardly say it with a straight face...Dad's Dr(person of higher learning)...told my hubby...a pharmacist...to have Dad take 5mg of Coumadin and take Vitamin K...everyday in response to Mark questioning the dose of yet again...Coumadin 5mg po q day. Every time Dad has taken 5mg...he gets so thin they can't even get the machine to read it...every time EVERY TIME. People...here is a clue...read your patients chart before making LIFE THREATENING MED CHANGES! What is up with that???
good god...good god
Dad and Mom don't want to upset the apple cart...but I say...YOU HAVE TO STICK UP FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE...NO ONE ELSE WILL!!!!!
Anyway...after Mark called, faxed, called and visiting with incredulous surprise in his voice to the Dr, the nurse, the Dr again...the order was changed to 3 mg po q day....finally.

Be Your Own Advocate

2006-04-05T22:06:00.000Z

Dad had another chemo today. We just got back. He tolerated the chemo very well. His blood is "too thin" again. He will need vitamin K and have to hold his Coumadin for a couple days and then get his blood rechecked on Friday...here at our lab.
We met several other chemo patients today. None of which we've seen before.
There are a helluva lot of people with cancer in this world.
It just feels to me that you, as a patient, are on your own. You are at the mercy of the nurses and the Drs. They don't know you from Jo Schmo down the street. I tried giving gifts...(I read that hint somewhere)...making a scene...being nice...helping out...it just doesn't matter. You are On Your Own. If you don't stick up for yourself you can get fucked over.
Be brave ask questions...ask a lot...be seen get noticed be your own advocate.

So Far So Good

2006-03-30T05:26:00.000Z

Dad had an appointment today with the oncologist and glory be...we got to see the Dr. herself!
Dad's blood was drawn (INR...2.3 not bad), his case discussed and the decision was made to continue with chemotherapy. The Dr. thought she wanted to go ahead with Taxol again but said, "My nurses may stone me". We all confered at the chemo room doorway and the decision was made to give Taxotere instead. Dad also needed his Zymeta and would probably be getting another Neulasta shot.
The chemo room was hopping. It looked like our coffee shop at home...every seat taken and more arriving every minute. People were in various stages of rest in their recliners. Many talking, some sleeping, knitting, reading...and us? We eat. I went to Sonic, got Dad a chocolate shake, coffee, bacon hamburger and fries, got Mom chicken strips, fries and black coffee, me? I forgot. I shared some of Moms.

Guess what? Dad tolerated the entire procedure so well I had to pinch myself. I can only hope it continues in this manner. I hope he doesn't get the bad aches and pains and other side effects listed.

Last time he got Zymeta he couldn't even move his arms for about a week he hurt so badly. Of course that could have been pain from the blood clots in his right lung, the side effects from his Neulasta, his chemo or god knows what else. It's hard to say.

Hope it goes better this time.

Cross your fingers.

He's supposed to get chemo again in 1 week, blood draw in 1 and 2 weeks and 2 days after that...another CT scan...and then another chemo.

The oncologist said the x-ray was dramatically improved.

A Letter I Fancy Writing

2006-03-22T18:41:00.000Z

Dear Dr. Lewis,

My name is Sheryl McCurdy and my Dad, Larry Paisley, your patient, was diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer, grade IIIa in November 2005. We have seen you one time in your office...the initial visit. Thereafter we have been seen by the chemo nurses and your Nurse Practitioner, all of whom are very nice.

My dad's regime included 33 radiation treatments given concurrently with Taxol/Carbo q 3 weeks, and the order was for 6 treatments. Each time the Taxol would start, almost instantly, my dad would have difficulty with his breathing, but after a healthy dose of Benedryl and a dose of Solu Medrol he would be fine and tolerated the treatments quite well. After the fourth dose, again, the same thing occurred, and the nurse did something different...an O2 sat was taken which was <85. An O2 sat had never been checked before, but my dad reacted in the same manner each time. Anyway...side note to this...dad also had blood clots in his right lung at this time (which we knew by receiving phone calls from your nurses and eventually...you)

To make this long story even longer...here goes. After dad had that reaction, the fourth time, the nurse came up and said,

This will be your last chemo treatment...it's too dangerous.

Well, it felt like, and I admit I was a bit crabby with the slowness of the giving of the Benedryl, that it was not because of dads reaction...it was because of me and the way I reacted to things. Because there was no difference in dad's reaction this time than the very first time...except the giving of the benedryl was slower and an O2 sat was taken.

Dr. Lewis, we don't want to feel like the treatment was stopped because it requires a little bit more planning or because I was impatient or crabby to anyone...if the treatment is working and tolerable we feel we need to continue.

I did ask the nurses who made the decision to stop the chemo and she said it was, you...Dr. Lewis. We never saw you that day...where you there? Did you stop by and check on my dad? His family? Reasure us that something would be done to continue to fight the cancer, maybe not this particular drug but something else?
Can you please tell me what the future plans are? Will you use a different chemo? Will you try the Taxol again? The CT scan seemed good...or am I crazy. How was the X-ray? Are the clots there yet?

I know we were supposed to have an appointment on Monday, and due to a horrific snowstorm those plans were changed, but time becomes something very important for all those involved in an illness that includes the word cancer.

If you have an extra minute or two in your extremely busy day we would appreciate any information pertaining to the above questions.

Thank you,
Sheryl McCurdy
(daughter of your patient Larry Paisley)

Snow Day

2006-03-20T02:43:00.000Z

We will have to cancel Dad's appointment for tomorrow, the first day of Spring, because of a freak snow storm.
All is well though. Dad is due for a blood draw (PT/INR) and Zymeta again(possibly) on Wednesday.

Thin Again

2006-03-16T05:47:00.000Z

We went to Kearney today for a chest X-ray and bloodwork and breakfast at Perkins! Dad's bloodwork was not too bad really. He is still "thin"...by a "tad" and has to abstain from his coumadin for 2 days then resume. I imagine they will have to lower his daily dose. He has another blood draw in a week. We go back to Kearney on Monday to talk with the oncologist (or her NP) about treatment options etc....
We saw quite a few sandhill cranes on our way to and from Kearney. They are SO BIG...and awkward looking. I didn't realize how gawky and teenager like they were until this year. Mom and I also got a bridal shower gift bought and Alec's birthday present bought. Productive day.

Girls Scout Cookies Cause A Fall

2006-03-06T07:31:00.000Z

Dads blood appears to have become a bit more "thick" and that is good. No worries about a paper cut now. His coumadin is at 2.5mg po q day and he gets his regular cbc check on Wednesday...so I imagine they will check a PT/INR too.

Bad note...Mom fell down on the hard pavement of her back porch. She was on her way to water her rooster and was hurrying back inside because she saw a car turn into her drive and thought it was the girl scout she had ordered cookies from.
Yes...I said rooster as in A rooster. Mom and Dad have one chicken and lucky for them...it's a cock a doodle doing rooster.

She has a metal plate and so many screws inside, her x-rays look like a hardware store. She had a spinal fusion in 1988.

Anyway, they came over for supper tonight and it looked like Mom was a hurting unit. She didn't eat much and that is not like Mom. She probably needs to be seen in the clinic and have an x-ray tomorrow.

Explanations re chemo 4

2006-03-04T23:48:00.000Z

Well, chemo number 4 pulled no surprises really. First we got to the office, had Dad's bloodwork drawn and waited. We expected the PT/INR to be high and boy was it...still spinning without clotting at 8. The lab came in and drew another tube and sent it to the hospital for clarification as their machine only goes up to 8. The oncologist want's Dad's INR to be around 2(ish).
After the okay to go ahead with the chemo they got Dad's IV started and the NP decided to hydrate him first with a little "saltine"(saline solution) as Dad calls it. Also they would give his Solu-Medrol right before they dripped the toxic waste through his veins. They hoped this would help aleviate his "reaction" to the Taxol. Well, of course, it didn't. Only this time his nurse was...S....L.....O....W.....to get his benedryl....in fact she was too slow to suit me and I had to get angry and yell a bit and cause a scene. Damnit! They should've had that benedry drawn up and taped to the IV bag. I sure as hell would have if I knew a patient usually had a reaction. GAAAAGGHGHHGGHHG that pissed me off! The nurses also checked an o2 sat...which they never had before and of course it was < 85. They put on O2 at 2 liters per nasal cannula as well. The "reaction" lasted about the length of time it usually does. Soon afterwards one of the chemo nurses came up and said...That's the last chemo you are getting it's too dangerous. THAT PISSED ME OFF TOO!! It was like...You have been a bad boy and since it's too much trouble to give you chemo we are not going to give you any more! I asked her...who has decided this? Because the Dr. wasn't even in house. They called the Dr. I guess. I said...We are not going to "quite" giving chemo because of this. We may quit this kind but we are not going to just give up on the chemo if Dad needs it! She agreeed with me and then she said, Well, maybe the Dr. will look at the records and try it again or blah blah blah. And I thought yah...maybe she just will...or maybe we will just go somewhere else!!!
shit
All in all...we left home about 8 am and got home around 8:30 pm as the rest of the med had to be dripped in slowly. It was a long day for everyone. Mom felt kind of sick and fluish. HOpe she will not get that crud.
Dad needs to get his PT/INR drawn on Friday and he will await instructions re his coumadin then. Right now it's on hold. He got a vitamin K shot and a Neulastin shot right after his chemo.

It's Chemo numero 4

2006-03-01T11:29:00.000Z

Makes Scents To Me

2006-02-26T03:59:00.000Z

Besides having a few "hurling squirts" Dad is feeling alright. Who knows what the gi upset could be related to. I think it could be narrowed down to: chemo, taco soup, oral meds, IV meds, SQ meds, stress and NO not my cooking!
Mark gave Dad his sq injections tonight as I was escorting Katie and some of her friends on a: prom dress tryonathon and mall run in Kearney. Tomorrow Katie is 17 years old. We will celebrate by eating at Mom and Dads for lunch.
I feel like my allergies have kicked in. I think from the perfume counter at Herbergers at the mall. Good God could they have MORE perfume out in samples for bored children to spray at will throughout the store??

Labs and Shots

2006-02-25T02:09:00.000Z

Dad feels better...as far as the shoulder pain goes. He doesn't seem to be coughing as much either. The lovenox injections continue through this weekend as does the coumadin 5 mg po q day. He got his PT/INR checked today and his blood remains too "thick" yet. He will get his labs redrawn on Monday.
I am curious if anyone else has had trouble such as this after receiving Zymeta IVPB???

Pulmonary Emboli

2006-02-23T06:05:00.000Z

Today, we went to see the oncologist, (who we didn't actually see but Dad had blood work drawn at the clinic where the DR. does work) and good news, for the most part...his labs were good...Although...his WBC count was a bit high at 19. No symptms of infection that we are aware of...Although he has had this severe shoulder pain. We think he pulled a muscle while pulling back his new compound bow...or we blame it on the IV injection of Zymeta he received on Monday, 1 week ago.
Okay...so we are off for a CT scan at the Hospital now. Dad has been NPO since 1030. Oddly, he gets in right away and the scan takes only about 15 minutes. We have time to eat before the next appointment! We go to Perkins and I have a damn good crispy chicken sandwich there. So much for the diet. Dad gets...as ALWAYS...the 55 plus traveler with extra bacon. Mom gets a plate of seafood the size of my ass. We graze. At 1:30 we leave Perkins and get to our scheduled appointment at the Radiologist, which is at the Cancer Center. We wait approximately 1 hour and then we get in. Dad weighs in at 170 (where he has remained for quite some time). Dr listens to Dad's lungs and pronounces them "clear" which shocks the hell out of me as I could not hear a thing on either side when I listened yesterday. The Dr. also offers Kenolog lotion for the treatment of Dad's radiation burn which has manifested itself on his left scapular area. The area is slightly red and the skin is dry and itchy...otherwise...no problems. The Dr of Radiology now dismisses my Dad and says That's All Folks! And leaves us in the care of our oncologist. We say See Ya! and blast off toward home.
We stop at a grocery store about 40 minutes out of town and stock up on veggies and meat and cheese and fresh fruits.
Finally we get home. I walk in the door and see my son Alec on the phone. I get on, and my hubby says, The Oncologist nurse called and your Dad has small PE in his right lung. He needs Luvonox injections and a PT/INR drawn at the hospital and then he is to start on Coumadin(blood thinner). I stand there with my mouth hanging open thinking...WHY DID THAT BASTARD DR LISTEN TO MY DAD'S LUNGS AND SAY...CLEAR...HOW DOES THAT MAN SLEEP AT NIGHT??!!
I call Mom. She tells me that the oncologists nurse left an answering machine message that states: Larry, according to the radiologist(overread of the CT scan) you have some clots in your right lung and you need to be hospitalized and we will get a bed ready for you at Good Samaritan in Kearney...1 1/2 hours away...where we JUST GOT BACK FROM!!!!!!
Mom and then I talked to Dr. Lewis and she stated that Dad could stay home, rest and take injections and oral blood thinner and that we were to call if he had any increased SOB or pain or blood in this sputum. She stated that Yes, Dad's shoulder pain was indeed related to blood clots in his lung. huh
God
What a day.
I took the lovenox prescription from Mark, gave Dad his sq shot and then went home to give my kid Tylenol, make supper, do dishes and bite fingernails.

Dad's troubles started after that Zymeta infusion. Mom and I both think that is the cause of these clots.

Now...bloodwork on Friday, Monday and Wednesday...it's chemo time again.

Radiation Burn

2006-02-20T02:23:00.000Z

I think.
Suddenly, after the radiation is done for 1 week, Dad developed a "burn" about the size of a hand on his back, the left side. He says it doesn't hurt...just itches.
We go on Wednesday to have bloodwork, CT scan and see the oncologist and radiologist once again.
3 chemo left...as of yet.

Zymeta

2006-02-15T02:26:00.000Z

Dad received a dose of IVPB Zymeta after getting his bloodwork drawn here in Cambridge. He tolorated the prodedure well with mild heartburn the only side effect so far. The bloodwork was good, showing most all labs in normal range...the exception, calcium which was only .6 out of the range.
Weight is stable at around 170, appetite...fair...everything tastes crappy he says. Occasionally coughing...nothing too bad.
And he still has hair!

Hypercalcemia

2006-02-11T20:57:00.000Z

Dad hasn't been taking his Lasix or Potassium and is only taking his TJN's(twin jet nebulizor treatments) prn (as needed). He feels his legs aren't as edematous, and they aren't and that the TJN's were making him cough more.
Ethel, one of Dad's chemo nurses called on Thursday and said that Dad had to have an IV treatment of some sort (mom couldn't remember) to "make his bones stronger). I think it has something to do with an elevation in his serum Calcium level. His is 1 point higher than it should be. Anyway...the thing is, the centrifuge was down at the office where they drew his blood and they had to ship his blood over to the hospital for a read, so the lab was different and I'm not sure I agree with treating him without another blood draw first.
So....we are supposed to go to our hospital on Monday, mid morning and get his IV treatment of some sort.
We'll see. I may have to make some phone calls first.

2006-02-09T06:19:00.000Z

Chemo Numero 3

2006-02-09T02:56:00.000Z

We left for Kearney about 7 am in order to get Dad's radiation treatment done before his chemo appointment. This time he got in and out of the radiology department quickly. We left for the oncologists office immediately and upon arrival, Dad got his bloodwork done. As we waited in the room for the NP(nurse practitioner) to come in and examine Dad and ask the same damn questions he just answered for the radiology nurses I heard the lab wench say that the centrifuge was not cooperating.
Oh boy.
Let me guess.
Yes, another delay.
Shit.
The NP came in and asked all the same question her nurse just asked that resembled the questions that the radiology nurse just asked and guess what?
The answers were the same.
Then...we were told that Dad's bloodwork would have to be taken over to the hospital and that we would have time for "breakfast" and to come back in 45 minutes.
We went to Micky D's and Dad ate apple pies and and an egg, bacon McMuffin and coffee. Mom nibbled that stuff too. I got a diet Coke.
When we returned we waited for awhile and another while and yet more whiles. Finally, the good news: The bloodwork is okay!
shocker
NOT
Let the chemo begin!
Dad was premedicated with Prednisone and Benedryl for the last 24 hours in preparation for this chemo treatment as he has reacted the last 2 times. Did it work?
HELL NO!!
HE STILL REACTED. Breathing shutting down, flushing, coughing...just not as bad as the 2 previous times.
shit fire and hide the fucking matches
After an IV dose of Solu Medrol he was fine and fit as a fiddle and able to take the ~~poison aka cure from hell~~ Taxol.
Mom and I left to do a few errands when Dad relaxed and started to doze and she returned some pants at Walmart and I wandered around buying a new curling iron, forgetting the very important item...hair dye, getting Mark orange and black shorts and a new black shirt that says basketball, and piling a sack of some kind of freaky trail mix into my cart.
We brought Dad a chocolate shake from Sonic and waited for the chemo to be done. Finally around 4:30 he was free from IV lines and we were out the door. Dad felt great and off to the wild blue yonder we flew.

How come when Dad gets chemo I'M THE ONE EXHAUSTED!??

Tomorrow...the last radiation treatment and then we don't have to go to Kearney for 2 whole weeks!

Holy SHIT!

Graduating From Radiation Soon

2006-02-07T07:12:00.000Z

Today Dad and I saw about 3,000 snow geese east of Axtell. Most had their downy asses planted in a corn field but some were hovering above the land all in a long white row. I wish I'd brought my camera. There was a light dusting of snow last night and the geese sure blended in to the rough stalks of corn and plowed land.
We had to wait for Dad's radiation treatment for over an hour today which is not the norm. The cancer center had extra patients as they were helping out another place where the machines were down. The waiting room was full of new people. No one we knew for once. Funny, now we are the "old timers" there. We know where the goodies are, how to make the coffee, how to use the new computer terminal and sign in. We know the look of the newly diagnosed, the silence they wear in their eyes, the weight of papers they carry inside their new "living with cancer" guidebook. We know who the workers are and the ambulance drivers and the radiation tech's. We know that turtledove nest above the cancer center doorway and that once should never look up when entering. We know the men's bathroom can "lock itself" when empty and that you have to use a butterknife to get it open. There are no keys.
It might feel strange not going to the treatments. Kind of like we are not doing enough. We will have 4 more chemo treatments though. Next one on Wednesday. Hopefully the pre treatment of Prednisone and Benedryl will stop the annoying allergic reaction dad has - not breathing.

5 Radiation Treatments Left

2006-02-02T21:46:00.000Z

Dad had his bloodwork drawn on Wednesday and everything looked good. All normal ranges. We talked to the Radiologist and saw the most recent PET scan. The tumor seems to have a shrunk a bit and his airway is not as compromised. I was a bit shocked at the size the tumor appeared to be...but I'm not sure I "got it" right either. The Dr. haphazardly held up the scan as he was reading and talking and I was busy listening and then I didn't want to ask him to repeat anything. Doc says we are right on target and that Dad will be done with radiation next Thursday...unless Dr. Lewis( the oncologist)advises us differently.
Dad has chemo on Feb 8th and then he will be halfway done. So far...he feels great! He's even able to cut down on his breathing treatments.
Everyone in town has severe colds, coughs, bronchitis etc. I hope he doesn't get it. But what can you do? It's everywhere.

The Kleptomatic Returns!

2006-01-25T22:10:00.000Z

You may have heard me mention the "kleptomatic" before. Poor woman, bless her heart, has cancer and goes to the Cancer center for her radiation treatments, same as Dad. Poor gal has been seen by me, filling a bright red tote bag with the treats that are left in the kitchenette part of the Cancer center...Literally filling her tote with twinkies, ho ho's, granola bars, cookies...you name it!
Two weeks ago, I heard her mention that she had only 1 week left of radiation, that she would have one week off...then resume treatments the next week. That means she will be done this Friday.
Today, as I was getting coffee for Dad the Klepto (also affectionately called "one eye" by me) and who was looking at her lap, ordered me to "Take this paper (waved a scrap of paper around in air )and put it into my red bag!!", I glanced around and then realized she meant moi, as no one else was in the room. Okay, I say and get the paper and then casually...You mean this red tote bag here on your walker?? I act all innocent like and stuff. She nods and I open the bag, thrust in the paper and say, All Done! She says nothing. I smile as I leave because the damn bag is filled to bursting with goodies...again.

PS...Dad is doing well. He had bloodwork today(hgb...13.3...WBC...8...platelets...good...in fact most everything looked good) and a CT scan (no results yet) to see if the tumor is getting smaller yet. He had treatment 22 today out of 33 and the only concern I have is that he has an increased cough. But he had that before, about a week after his first chemo treatment...and then it subsided on about 2 weeks afterwards. We are on week one after his second chemo treatment so I am hoping for the same scenario.

Update

2006-01-21T13:22:00.000Z

Dad has been feeling soo good since his chemo. I think it must be the steroids. He still has a fringe of hair around the back of his head...but he's shedding so I think he'll lose that too...especially after this last chemo. We had a nice birthday celebration on Wednesday when we got back from Kearney with family...and MORE cake...and a few microbeers. Dad didn't have any beer...but you can bet your bippy we all did! And man did I need one! We held a "card shower" for him and he had about 50 cards to open when we got back home. That was cool and he enjoyed that.
Yesterday, Dad woke up with a headache so I suppose the weekend he will be tired and feel "flu-like" again.

4 treatments left and about 15 zaps to go.
Then what?

Happy Chemo Birthday To You!

2006-01-19T04:44:00.000Z

Chemo day dawned red, pink and too damn early. We took off around 7am. I happened to think we were leaving at 6:30 so...I got up around 5...my usual time...and waited and waited and then...fell back to sleep.
Dad had radiation at 8:30...we just go there and off he went. We saw his radiologist and that was a 30 second I don't know how much office call because we had no questions or problems. Then off we went for a blood draw and chemo at the oncologists office.
Again, Dad had a reaction to the Taxol. Mom and I stayed while he got his pre op meds and then...the dreaded Taxol. Almost instantly Dad looked bug eyed and his face was bright red. He coughed and sputtered. I asked him about three times..."Dad, are you feeling okay?" Each time he would say..."Yeahhhh so far". In reality he was about to pass out. He never did say he felt bad. The nurse turned off his med, gave him Solu Medrol and then had to wait about 1/2 hour to restart his chemo. Eventually Dad got back to his self but we hated it that he'd had another reaction. For his next chemo they will pre medicate him with Prednisone and Benedry. I asked if this type of reaction was very common and the nurse said simply, "No." and then I asked if there was a better or different chemo drug he should try and she replied that this was the best for Dad's type of cancer. So...after Mom and I were satisfied that Dad would live through his chemo we ran over to Walmart and she picked up some groceries and I got stuff for the coffee shop and then we got lunch for Dad and took it back to him. He ate some and soon he was done with his meds.
His bloodwork had checked out good, his weight stable and his vital signs stable except for when he reacted to the Taxol.
I'd brought a chocolate cake and he's eaten a piece of that and so had several of the nurses, patients and other staff. They even came over and sang Happy Birthday! That was nice.
After we got home, I took another chocolate cake to their house and we had a bit of a birthday party with family.
4 chemo left and 17 more radiation treatments...(we hope)

Interesting note...the cancer center sent some copies of reports to Mom and Dad...and the cancer was a grade 2 there...not a grade III as reported to us.

weird...and interesting and possibly very very good news.

Long Day Tomorrow

2006-01-18T05:31:00.000Z

Katie cried and she cried and she cried about her Grandpas cancer tonight. It finally just hit her she said.
Today all the kids at school kept asking her and asking her and asking her why her Dad had shaved his head and she kept having to explain and explain and explain that her Grandpa's hair was falling out and her Dad did it because of that.
I felt so bad for her.
I feel bad now and I can't write much.
Tomorrow we go for the second chemo treatment.
Dad seems like his old self these past two days and now...chemo...square one probably. God I dread it.

Rad Day

2006-01-17T02:54:00.000Z

I took Dad to radiation this morning. We yacked the whole way. Dad is deaf in his left ear and as I was driving (speaking toward his left ear) it made for some unusual conversations. At once point we just broke down laughing at the sheer idiocy of our statements.
He seemed his old self really...finally.
Most of his hair is gone...except the fringe around the back and sides of his head. He wears a ballcap and you can't really tell he's just sporting peach fuzz. It is NOT that way for Mark I can tell you...he's as smooth as a billiard ball.
In two days is Dad's 71st birthday AND his second round of chemo. I dread it really as he had such a horrific reaction last time. I think we are all a little concerned about how he will react. Seems he just now is back to where he is "himself" and here we go again.
I ordered a couple of chocolate cakes with chocolate icing, one to take to the cancer center and one for home.
Dad isn't coughing as much, his edema is less and he even has pink in his cheeks.
How long will that last?
I wonder...

some Dadisms(words that Dad made up)

SCOPALOTOME pronounced...scope a lot o me...meaning...generic term for any type of invasive procedure

KLEPTOMATIC...prounounced...kleptomatic...meaning...woman with one eye who takes all the cancer center's "goodies" from the goodie tray such as twinkies, granola, hard candies etc and places them into a large tote bag attached to her walker before she leaves the building

ADDADICKTOME...pronounced...add a dick to me...meaning...prodedure to...well...you get the picture!

Ad Space For Sale

2006-01-16T03:49:00.000Z

Mark shaved his head tonight because my Dad's hair started falling out. I bought the first add for Shirley K's! I'm thinking we should turn this into a money raising project for cancer research...or...maybe just draw a big ass circle on, have a dart tournament and use the cash for beer money...not sure yet...still under heavy debate.

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

2006-01-16T01:14:00.000Z

Tonight I combed Dad's hair to dislodge some of the looser strands and it just kept falling out. I felt so bad because he has always had such pretty silver hair...Combed over on top of course and sprayed into place but still...Hair just the same. After that it was like we had to finish the deed.
Shave it off.
Be done with it.
Move on to the next big event.
Mom put the next to the last edge on the shaver and buzzed him. He was left with a fine fuzz all over his pate. This too shall probably fall out but it was all Mom could muster the nerve to do right now. Dad didn't look into the mirror. He just tightened up and then put on the fish hat I'd bought him years and years ago. The hat used to have a fish head poking out of the brim but he pried that off with a screwdriver earlier this morning. He just sat there with his hat on and looked sad and resigned. Resigned to life with cancer, chemo, fluid retention, coughing, weakness, poor appetite, people asking him how he is every day and every time they see him and the looks of pity he or his family may get.

I've decided that cancer is like a 3 ring circus with all kinds of acts playing at the same time eventually leading up to the big finish.
There are many big events in cancer. First of all the thought that one might have cancer. Then, awaiting the diagnosis, which involved all kinds of tests, some painful and most certainly invasive.
Each new "event" you achieve leads to some sort of a resolution and then you move on until the next event and so on and so on and so on.

You've got cancer
You must have biopsies
You have stage IIIa non small cell cancer of the lung
You aren't able to stand surgery
You must take radiation five days a week for 33 doses
You must take chemo
You must take chemo every 3 weeks for 6 doses
You must drive 1 1/2 hours every day for your treatments as no other place is closer.
You may have side effects from the chemo
You may have to take medications for the side effects from the chemo
You will lose your hair.

You Will Lose Your Hair...and so it goes.

Summary of the past few weeks

2006-01-15T18:48:00.000Z

01/04/06
After getting back from radiation and bloodwork in Kearney I cleaned my fish pond. It smelled like an orangutan ass or a 1970's home perm. There was definitely a chemical reaction going on and it wasn't a good one. I spotted a lone bloated goldfish carcass (and who could blame him) and I couldn't see any more. Of course, the heater wasn't on so, at one time they were all probably frozen goldfishcicles. Hopes of survivors weren't too high. I set up the filter and and got it to going. My heater is toast and I don't really care. What would be the point of heating a pool of rank bubbling fishless water? I've decided to name my pond. It just came upon me as I was typing this. Ready? Okay, from now on my backyard area itself will forever be called...

Ass Gas Pond

01/02/06
We came home from Dad's radiation treatment through Lexington. We went to Kearney via the Holdridge way and thought we wanted new scenery. Just after Johnson Lake we saw police lights flashing and cars stacked to the nines. There was hay scattered about the road and I thought there was a big accident up ahead. Instead we noticed good old cowboys on horses driving cattle across the road. They were being moved from one field to another. Better than an accident any day.
Dad is feeling better today. Not so many aches and pains. I encouraged him to get up more and get fresh air as the day was beautiful.
Mom stayed home and put in the coffee shop grocery order for me. Damn freight early tomorrow. Back to the grindstone I guess. Having 3 days off has been habit forming for me. It will be hard to face getting up at 5 let alone trying to get ready again.
When we got back from Kearney I took Mom and Dads outdoor decorations down and then went home to take mine down. I still have a couple of strands of lights left on my upstairs but most is done.
I had a lot of crap to do at the shop to get ready for tomorrow. Several orders to get ready and wash to do and dishes to do and trash to take out and blah blah blah blah.
Dad called me up tonight and told me about the most expensive coffee bean in the world...Kopi Luwak. It's a bean that is eaten by a palm civet, a dark brown tree-dwelling cat-like creature (while in cherry form) and then after it's shit out, is gathered up and then...whatever it takes to clean that up...readied for resale. $175-300 dollars a pound for that coffee.
HOLY CAT SHIT!
Can you imagine the aroma that bean would have? Do any of you own cats? Litter boxes? If so...you can imagine the nostril effect that particular bean might have.
Could be the new trend at Shirley K's...Cat Shit Coffee Beans...Cat Shit Cappuccino's...Cat Shit Shakes...Kitty Litter Lattes!

god...the possibilities...

I'll end up with a little music again.

Powered by Castpost
12/31/05
Well, Dad felt sickish today. Flu like symptoms...headachy, muscle and bone pain, common for the meds he got. Also he is retaining fluid. I think it is probably because of the steroid he received because of his chemo reaction. I told him it was time for the "pee pill" again...lasix. He agreed and actually took one.
Mom is going stir crazy. She needs to get out a bit.
I am just plain tired. I feel exhausted in fact.
I didn't open the coffee shop today though I should have.
I didn't get my house clean or my Christmas decorations down.
Lucky I got my dishes from yesterday done.
I hate New Years Eve. Always have. For some reason it makes me blue. I took Mom to Walmart in McCook today because she needed to get hair dye...like mother like daughter...hee hee
Actually she needed to see the eye Dr. and get her broken glasses taken in to be fixed.
Since it was New Years Eve...we missed the office hours and therefore went to the stupid Walmart instead.
I bought 3 DVDs...FRENCH KISS...which I LOVE!! A MIGHTY WIND which Mark and I have watched many a time and loved for it's hokey ness. And last but not least...Standing in the Shadows...MOTOWN which we just watched MOTOWN and liked it very much.
The boys are at Moms and Katie has several friends over and here Mark and I sit like old farts.
He keeps getting called out...just now in fact...out the door he goes.
01/01/06
crap into my "decoration cupboards" in the sunroom.
Today was also inventory day at the pharmacy and the coffee shop. The kids and Mark did most of that while I was working here at home.

It's misting a bit here and it smells so good. I should go walking because I feel like a total LARD ASS.
I may go get on my trainer and ride a few miles.

Dad has quite a bit of edema going on in his lower legs. I can't hear much air movement in his lungs either. He started back on his "fluid pill" yesterday as I thought he was retaining quite a bit of fluid. He didn't cough much today but he didn't walk around very much at all...nor did he change out of his pj's. He says he felt pings and pangs all over. No nausea though. I took him a soft stocking cap to wear in case of hair loss. I guess one usually starts losing hair on day 10 or so. We'll see in a few days if that will be his case.

Mom came over for a while this afternoon...right after I got done putting up the Christmas decorations. We watched a show about obese children and gastric bypass surgery. We are MANIACS!

Tomorrow Dad has radiation so I will leave about 8:30 and we will probably get back around 12:30 or so...and then, since the shop is closed, I'll go and take down all the outside decorations. I hate to because it'll look bleak and naked.

That said I think I'll end this bleak little post up with some good blues.

Powered by Castpost
12/29/05
Dad isn't sick from the chemo yet.
I say yet because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
We went to Kearney quick like the wind today.
First Radiation...we got in and out fast.
Then...to the hopsital for yet another X-Ray...this one of his left shoulder. The PET and bone scans showed probable degenerative changes but they still gotta check it for cancer.
I hate that.
After this...Perkins, YET AGAIN, for another plate of break the fast. Dad loves it there. I think because they still have a smoking room there and he can dream can't he.
Tonight is our Christmas Party for the pharmacy and the coffee shop.
I'm ready for a nice drinky poo but I'm afraid I will be too tired.
I'm letting the kids have a party at our house.

I know...what the hell was I thinking...sigh
12/28/05
Dad's first chemo treatment was today. We left at 7 am to get to his 8:45 radiation first. We also saw the radiologist(to be forever referred to as Dr. Gaydar) and wasn't that fun. He asks dad, "How are you?" dad says "alright as far as I know". . . the Dr. says "Fine, see you in a week". Dad gets radiated...we are off to chemo at another office.
We get there and check in. Dad is on a Taxol and Carboplatinum regime receiving chemo every 3 weeks. He is pre-medicated with Zofran and Benadryl to alleviate any nausea or reaction to the meds. This will take about an hour and the other meds will take around 4-5 hours to infuse. Mom and I decide, after Dad is hooked up to the IV and in a comfortable recliner, to go and quickly shop and then we will bring dad a hamburger for lunch. Off we go. We buy a few things at a Hobby Lobby and then go for lunch. When we get back to the office Dad is sleeping. He wakes up when we go in and tells us that his "head almost blew off" and he had a reaction to the chemo and his IV rate was now slower. The chemo nurse tells us she medicated him with Solu Medrol, Benedryl and maybe something else. She says this sometimes happens and that the medications will be running in at a slower rate. We will be here longer that the 4-5 hours we were initially told.
We saw sooo many people with cancer today. The chemo room is just that...one big room and all the chemo patients sit side by side in recliners while the nurses adjust rates, draw blood, flush ports and start IV's. There are no secrets in this room. "Let us know if you have blood in your urine" tells a nurse to a bald big eyed woman. She nods and says she will. Quietly she vomits into a plastic bag much like an airplane barf bag and then cleans herself up. There is a man who looks robust and healthy hooked up to an IV of some type of chemo. He tells me he is an experiment. There is no cure for what he has. He just takes treatments until he croaks or... is cured. His daughter just had her first baby last night. Another woman twists and turns and moves her legs restlessly while her medication runs in. Her husband and 2 older children visit quietly in Spanish while her youngest boy, about 4, plays with plastic animals and leaps them across bedside tables and across the arm of the recliner. He grins and gives his mama a kiss on the cheek when she opens her weary eyes. Her bright bandana slips and she tugs it back in place. A 6 year old boy leaps into the room, sidles up to the bowl of hard candies, shovels many into his gap toothed mouth and proceeds to leave. The nurse shouts, "Hey...where do you think you're going?" and then he grins, caught in the act, sits in the chair and gets his cancer fighting drug infusion. He looks and acts like any other 6 year old except he is bald and has an infusaport implanted beneath his skin. One lady is as white as a bedsheet. Transparent almost. Her husband and daughter pretend they are enthralled with the beautiful pictures in a big coffee table book about Nebraska but in reality they are just looking away, at anything anywhere else but the sickness of their loved one.

It is quite something this disease.
12/24/05
In lieu of a card...ta daa you get an e-mail. In short...a cliff note on each of us.

Mark...busy as a one armed paper hanger best describes this man as most of the waking hours are devoted to scheduling work around attending sporting and school related events. Luckily he has a good harem of pharmacy workers to fill in when necessary. He's also done a lot of Medicare speeches throughout every little town, village and street block that wants him to. Hobbies are taking a backseat lately...unless you call the above...a hobby.

Sheryl...making coffee, tea and swirlies by the gallon keeps this chick busy...as well as attending sports and school events. There is always something to do at the shop or at home or at school or at ... you get the picture.

Katie...busier than the busiest one armed paper hanger says it all. Katie is in volleyball, basketball, one act, speech, FCCLA, Cheerleader, Swing Choir, Band and yadda yadda yadda ya. When she's not busy with any of those things she is cruising with her buds and when she isn't busy with that...she just LOVES to help me out by working at the shop.

Andrew...Junior high years...sigh...just the best don't you agree?? Andrew is participating in football, basketball and track. He is in FPS and Quiz bowl for extra activities. He even managed to squeeze in a girl friend (for a week or two) much to our surprise....aghhhhhh! He has a crew he hangs with and boy oh boy I can't wait until they start to drive! wheeeeee

Alec...Yet another busy body. Alec is in 6th grade and aren't they the kings of the school yard now. He is busy with FPS, Quiz bowl, being the high school boy's basketball manager, playing 6th grade basketball and is involved in the Sing Around Nebraska program. We are excitedly awaiting his entrance into the pre teen years...actually we are teetering on the edge if ya know what I mean. Oh Boy!

Petie our dog and Pickles the cat still remain active members of our home. Petie's favorite hobby is sneaking into the cat litter and strewing about special sculptures for us to find. Pickles enjoys only food and sleep. I envy her.

In other news my dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer. He starts chemo and radiation therapy on Tuesday. We've been dealing with this since Thanksgiving and so it feels good to be starting something. Much time will be spent on the road as he is to receive his treatments in Kearney which is 1 and 1/2 hours away. The radiation is Monday through Friday for 33 does and his Chemo every 3 weeks for 6 doses. They are not thinking they would be able to do surgery at this time. My mom is doing okay but it is a difficult time for her and all of us. I'm sure it brings up some memories for you all as well.

Anyway, we miss you and wish we could see you soon but it seems impossible with all that is going on and will be going on this winter. Until we do...e-mail will have to suffice.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
The McCurdy Clan
12/23/05
It's almost Christmas.
Though, not cold winter mitten time that I long for.
No need for sleds or long johns now...the Chinook wind is blowing tonight...the snow is still melting atop our deck.
dripping dripping dripping yet.
Ugly brown and naked branches are showing.
ack...I h a t e the ugliness of this time of year.

Am I ready for Christmas?
Perhaps.
Gifts are not my priority this year...maybe tomorrow they will be.
I wrapped and be-ribboned the few packages I had hidden in the trunk of my car.

We will have soup and sandwiches at my house tomorrow...Mom, Dad and the McCurdy 5! Then on Christmas day we will go to Mom and Dads...for prime rib and other goodies.

Already the kids are tired and bored with Christmas vacation. Only... 12 days more to go!!

How many chores can I create?

I also wanted to thank those who have supported and encouraged me during this time of uncertainty with my Dads cancer.
Thank you all...you are my support group.
12/20/05
The day turned out differently than I expected.
No gloom and doom. No waving of the finger saying, "You idiot, why did you smoke!", or "You get what you deserve when you smoke." No such comments were made at all. No life expectancies were brought up. No talk of death or dying...nothing except talk of living with cancer and the treatment of cancer.
The office smelled of new carpet and paint,was calmly decorated and relaxing. The chemo room itself was beautiful and the nurses, the ones we met anyway, were very nice. The oncologist is almost an exact replica of Mark's older sister, Teresa (she's the one who is going to be opening a coffee shop in Iowa). It was very bizarre to see and hear her. She was easy to visit with, open, friendly, and Dad liked her. The main reason he liked her is that when he mentioned cigs the Dr. did not freak out. She said, matter of factually, "The damage is done, if smoking helps you to cope, is something that you feel you must do, than do it". My dad instantly thought he would send her a Christmas card, invite her to lunch, buy her a gift...
We go back to Kearney on Thursday for an introduction to the radiologist and perhaps a simulation of his treatment. We start next Wednesday with his chemo regime...again...in Kearney. The two meds he gets will be given per infusion, but no port will be placed! They will just start an IV each time. He will receive chemo every 3 weeks for 6 doses and radiation every day (Monday through Friday) for 6 weeks.
Dr. Lewis does not travel closer to Cambridge and we will have to make the 1 1/2 hour trip there and then 1 1/2 hours back Monday through Friday. The longest days will be his chemo days when the meds take around 4-5 hours to infuse. I think we will have helpers when I can't go or mom can't go.
Surgery did not appear to be an option. Dad did not mind that. He preferred this route.
It feels good to be starting something.
So, let the roller coaster begin.
12/19/05
My mom told me that she told my dad, "People don't die from cancer...they die from not eating!" Therefore she justifies the 3 squares and 3 snacks a day plus 3 glasses of liquids per meal and a daily vitamin smoothie that appear magically in front of dad at every strike of the clock. I thought to myself...By God I'm not going to die skinny! I might die...but I'll be buried in a piano case!
I saw the PET and bone scan reports today.
No mets.
Really.
We must be thankful for small victories.
Still there is cancer.
Still cancer is deadly.
But it felt like such a relief that the cancer was not all through the body as I earlier suspected.
It sure felt different going and telling mom and dad that, so far anyway, according to the recent tests, the cancer is confined to the lung.
Still we will probably be doing chemo, radiation and perhaps surgery.
Funny how your priorities change.
First the word cancer sent us into a downward spiral.
Now we hear "no mets" and that sends us into positive orbit even though we know there is still cancer to deal with.
Mom is running around, wrapping presents, getting out more decorations. Dad is animated. He got out and drove around in his pickup today. Went to his old haunts.
Tomorrow we go back to Kearney. It won't be roses I know that. We will probably hear about life expectancies and chemo and mortality and radiation and nausea and vomiting and minor surgery for insertion of a port and God knows what else.
I'm glad though, to see mom and dad less anxious. That's worth a great deal to me.
12/18/05
Yes my dad smoked but...
What About All The Other People Who Live(d) Beside And Around That Area of Town?

Lung cancer is a leading cause of death in the West, its greatest anamoly being that it is primarily self-inflicted: over 80% of lung cancers are caused by smoking; next is residential radon, a by-product of naturally-occurring breakdown of radium, which comes from decaying uranium. (hmmmm....uranium...where have I heard that before???? Oh YAH...IT'S IN OUR WATER THAT'S WHERE I HEARD IT!!!! )

One in fifteen homes has been calculated to have ambient radon levels exceeding safe levels. Lastly, comes work-related carcinogens - again, self-infliction.

Self inflicted...kind of like saying I'm Thirsty, My Body Needs Fluids...I'M GOING TO DRINK THE WATER HERE EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!!
12/17/05
Some days I don't feel quite so bad about Dad's cancer...for a moment. And then, I remember how thin his shoulders looked when I helped him put his shirt on, or I see the back of his neck as we were driving up to Kearney for his bone scan and I feel so very very bad. I remeber seeing that little patch of neck skin and feeling so goddamn helpless. Just that tiny bit of skin exposed to the elements. Unprotected. So much like riding a rocket that's out of control.
Actually this feels like having a baby...it's coming and there is nothing you can fucking do to stop it. It's not under your control anymore.
The strangest things double me over. Like seeing Dads hands drumming along his knee as we were heading up to Kearney...I wonder...is he thinking...this is it...I'm going to die soon...my day's are numbered...will I suffer...how much pain will I have...is this my last Christmas...I can't hardly take it.
I think of holiday music and warm homes and everybody getting together for their family meals, I think of Christmas Eve and how we always go to Mom and Dads for soup and and I wonder what we are going to be doing then.
Getting a subclavian for Dad's chemo to start? Taking radiation? Both? Worse?
I don't want Tuesday to come. I don't know if I can take it.
Every day that passes by and we don't go to the Dr. or talk about going to the Dr. makes it seem less like we are dealing with cancer. Seems we are just biding time until...something bad happens.
Tuesday will be the start of...something.
The results of the scan I'm afraid will be devastating.
Mom want to postpone the appointment until after Christmas.
I don't know what to do right now.

except cry
12/14/05
I found myself pacing pacing pacing tonight and for some reason I wanted to go jogging. However, the thought of feeling my fat gut bulging and swaying in the breeze not to mention the slap of a couple of jugs in the face made me reconsider. I walked and left the running up to my nose.
Tomorrow we take Dad up to Kearney for a bone scan. Today we had the PET scan. Next Tuesday, we go up and talk to the oncologist who will tell us if the cancer can be treated with chemo, radiation, surgery or... nothing. I fear the worst.

Merry Fucking Christmas.
Jingle Fucking Bells.
Deck the Fucking Halls.

In other news:

I recently found out that the Bike Ride Across Nebraska(BRAN) ride will be coming to Cambridge next year. On Day three the riders will be camping here!

Jo Jo Dancing Bear is still alive and kicking although after her latest bout of illness I had my doubts. She was sputtering and spewing, pale blue and laughing at...of all things...my Christmas Stick Tree the last time she was at my house. I saw her today at Duckballs where she was picking up a discounted egg peeler... a perfect holiday gift for that special someone...(??) Hopefully not me.

Petie has a new name. Yes, it's Petie Rat BasTurdburgler. When we got home from Kearney, I hurridly threw down the few presents I have gotten around to buying on the "piano room" floor and tried to wrap them as I had a spare hour. As I knelt down on the floor I noticed a lovely dried litter encrusted cat turd staring up at me as sweetly as a dried litter encrusted cat turd can stare. I knew something wasn't right. Yes, I was that sharp. Petie was standing at the open door with a shit eating grin on his face. When I narrowed my right eye and lifted my lip in disgust, he slunk down and fell on his back like he'd been harpooned.
That RAT BASTURDBURGLER!
12/13/05
When you find yourself delivering very good, hot Colombian coffee (from a reputable coffee shop) and Xanax to your parents home and wishing you had a vat of whiskey as well you know things are going downhill. One minute you may find yourself making homemade apple fritters, the next...telling your Dad that the Dr called and he has non small cell squamous cancer of the lung. You may find yourself setting up PET scans and bone scans and buying groceries for your folks. You may find yourself crying when you least suspect it. You might wonder how you can smile and wish anyone happy holidays when your own are tainted by the appearance of those bastard cancer cells.
We are now in the process of staging.

You can't know how awful it was to take the phone call from the Dr in the early evening hours, decide to wait overnight to talk to your folks so they won't have a sleepless night, go in the morning and see them turn to you with fearful eyes and then say "Dad, it's cancer".

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
12/11/05
We wait for reports and I feel myself growing older and grayer. It's only been 2 days, yet it feels like eternity. My Mom and Dad are hibernating in their home. Locking themselves inside a protective bubble. Forgetting everything the Dr. already told them, they are waiting for a miracle. I am so not ready for this thing to get rolling. Let them remain in hiding I want to scream! I imagine I will call the Dr's office in Lincoln tomorrow or early early Monday and ask them for results, explain that I would like to know before they dial up my folks. Somehow, I don't know if they will tell me anything. HIPPA violations are something to behold. I dread for Mom or Dad to answer the phone and take in the news like sponges...only to deflate, curl up inside themselves and implode.
I'm expecting the worst.
My stomach is in knots.
My Mom is in some kind of world I cannot fathom.
It's almost unbearable.
I find myself feeling guilty if I forget for a second that my Dad is sick, my Mom floundering. What I could have should have need to do is flogging me with every breathe.
I wish I could do anything to make things better.

Sitting In Limbo

Posted by dashblog on 2005-12-10 22:15:12 PDT | Permalink

Filename: john_cruz_sitting_in_limbo.mp3 | Tags: by John Cruz
12/08/05
Got back from Lincoln around 5 pm today.
Dad had his, as he called it, scopealottome, or otherwise known, bronchoscopy and biopsies this morning. Mark asked him if he also got an addadicktome while he was at it.
boys
Dad tolerated the procedure well. Better than us in fact. Me, Mom and Mark sat in the waiting room and waited.
Waiting sucks bad.
The Dr. talked to us, showed us pictures of the bronchial airways (right side perfect...left side...not)...the good news(which I don't think there was)...the bad news(probably cancer)...and now we await the biopsy results.
Early next week.
We will know for certain sure what we are dealing with and then we can plan what to do or not to do.
I'm so tired right now. I can't imagine how my Mom is feeling let alone my Dad.
This SUCKS in a big big big way.
12/07/05
One day down.
We got here(Lincoln) last night, checked into a motel, slept zero, got ready, had a massive breakfast, and then, went to Bryan Medical Plaza. There we met Dr. Johnson, pulmonologist. Dad's x-ray looked worse today then when he got out of the hospital 2 weeks ago. More fluid around the base of the left lung. The lower left lobe was not expanding at all.
Probable cause...cancer.
No surprise there really but to hear the Dr say it out loud was almost a relief. At least it was out in the open. Dr. Johnson also said that the haziness could be caused by a severe pneumonia.
He gave us that glimmer of hope. He isn't abrupt and cold. I mean even if there is 1 chance in a zillion it is just a severe pneumonia it's nice to hear that there "is a chance".
I like him. He is a non threatening and non judgmental Dr...so far. We found out he grew up around Alma. He knows some of the Cambridge folks too. That was kind of a neat plus.
Dad was then scheduled for a pulmonary function test and after that and an arterial blood gas draw, he had a thoracentesis done. This is when a needle is passed between 2 ribs and into the space between the lung and the rib and fluid is drawn off. In dads case...2 liters of beer looking fluid. Dad teased Dr. Johnson and said his distillery had been found out. His lung did not immediately expand after the fluid was drawn out. It might yet, or not. We don't know yet. Tomorrow, we go into Bryan at 5:30 am and dad will have a bronchoscopy done. There Dr. Johnson will take biopsies. Then, we go home. We will have the results of the biopsies early next week. Once we receive those we will form our plan of action or non action. Right now, we don't know for certain sure what we are dealing with.
Mom is doing okay...as good as she can. Dad seems good. He doesn't say too much. I almost felt like he was relieved that the word cancer was out in the open. I don't know.
It's been a day.
If the weather doesn't get a lot worse (been snowing off and on all day) and dad tolerates the scope, we will be home tomorrow late afternoon.
Thank God for Mark. He has been toting us all everywhere, getting our rooms, getting baggage here and there. This trip would have been HELL without him!!
12/06/05
Due to the weather we are leaving today.
That means we won't see the kids' Christmas programs (silver lining?) ha ha ha. I am sad though, because I hate to miss anything the kids are in.
I soaked Dad's feet and trimmed his nails last night...slowly slowly slowly...cuz that's my way and Mom veered in with a sidecutter and practically wedged off a toe.
Good Lord!
No wonder I love gore, sores and weeping pustules! It was born right in me!
Cindy Sue called me late afternoon, from Kearney, from the mall, to inform me
SHE'S SNOWED IN AT THE MALL!!!
OMG! Call 911! The stores will never be the same! I think she and her mom were going to buy sleeping bags and camp out in Herbergers or something like that.
What A Terrible Tragedy!!
Snowed in at the MALL!!
12/04/05
Academic All American ...that's our girl! If you haven't been keeping up with Nebraska volleyball (and WHY NOT!!) then you wouldn't know about Christina, who hails from our sweet town of Cambridge. Regionals are Dec 9-10 and should be awesome.
I hope we are all home and watching on our own TV set not in a Lincoln hospital bed. Dad is quite the Husker fan...he always watches, listens to the games. It would be cool to take him to a game one day.
Dad looks good, says he feels good, is not coughing, is eating and NOT SMOKING!! The not smoking part is amazing. It's probably good I chew my fingernails cause if I didn't, I would probably be a smoking machine like Dad was.
Dad is quiet, Mom is exhausted and this wait is almost unbearable. I dread what is coming yet, we need to know and take some type of action. We may leave tomorrow, depending on the weather. Wednesday at 11:30 is the appointment.
Other news, I made raspberry walnut cream cheese biscotti tipped with holiday almond bark last night.
yah
me
baking...and no fire.
They don't taste half bad either.
Today, I spent in a flurry of activities trying to organize my leaving for a few days. The shop is in good hands, but there are all kind of bizarre things I need to do to leave.
Well, gotta put an order in for goodies so more later.
12/01/05
One week we go to Lincoln.
One long week of waiting.
It's hard, very hard.
You know what you will probably hear and you don't want to hear it but maybe hearing it will ease some of the strain.
Actually, it will probably just put the strain somewhere else.
Funny, this afternoon I thought, I'm going to put up my Christmas decorations. I'd come to the conclusion...We should be living life one day at a time and we should enjoy what we have together...now...and now meant decorating for Christmas. I called Mom and we talked about that and she felt the same. I had a moment of relief.
Then, tonight, I felt like shit...bawly and morose again.
I just feel so damn sad and I hope and pray that if we hear bad news, that Dad won't have to go through a bunch of painful medical procedures. I just dread that. I just can't hardly stand the thought of it in fact. I may have to rearrange my furniture again.
I do that when I'm nervous.
Feng Shui Furniture Therapy I guess.
Maybe I could start a Feng Shui Furniture Moving Group. We could meet at each others homes, wearing kimonos and thick canvas work gloves. Our steel toed boots would protect us from any injuries we might possibly receive from taking oak buffet tables from one corner of the room to the other. Baby Grand Pianos wouldn't slow us down either.
In other news, I picked up several branches that blew down from our "blizzard", stuffed them into "Petie's Pickle Crock", threw lights on them, our Christmas decorations and taaa daaaaaa....our Christmas Tree!!
RedNeck Style...except I haven't hung any beer bottles on the ends...yet.
11/28/05
It's a blizzard here like we haven't seen in awhile.
The wind gusts are up to 50 mph or more at times.
With snow.
Mark and I headed up to the shop around 6 am(ish) and while he shoveled I planned what meal to feature, made rolls and lined up the coffee shop stuff. I decided I would just shower there after I was done with the morning stuff.
I thought I'd probably end up with a shower partner but Mark ended up taking an elderly man to the hospital instead. The man was out walking into a restaurant down the street (not even open) and he fell on his arm...breaking his shoulder. Poor guy. Luckily I got my shower done quickly unluckily after dressing I made a decidedly bad discovery.
I hadn't brought my make up with me!
I was due to open up in 5 minutes, Mark was gone, I had no car...my face looked like, ass. I thought...oh surly no one will come in.
Oddly, even though it was blizzarding, people did come in to get coffee and hot chocolate, cappuccinos and lattes...and I made chili and cinnamon rolls for our "daily special" and Thank God that Katie walked in and I made her work and new girl Amber trained our front today and she caught on AWESOMELY and it worked out okay. I had to stay all day and close just like the old days and I am tired.
Ran out to take some groceries to Mom and Dad as they are trapped inside of their house due to the blowing snow. Dad doesn't feel real well today...not sleeping well, slightly nauseated and in his words felt like he had a hangover. We don't have our Lincoln appointment yet. It's a worry.
Funny, as a nurse I dealt with this all the time...while at the hospital or doing home health and hospice...but now...it feels different.
I hate it very much.
Everything seems to be spinning inside my head. Much like a snow globe.
Just waiting for everything to settle down so I can see what's really going on. 11/27/05
Dad's home and we will probably be going to Lincoln sometime this next week.
For now we wonder if the rattle is an infusion from the pneumonia or, as he says, "My leetle buddies", making an imaginary ciggarette with his fingers.
We can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
In other news, I tore the coffee shop appart yesterday and attempted to decorate and move the tables and chairs around so some people can sit as long as they wish and others, who wish to shop, could actually shop.
It was a nightmare from hell.
I moved every table, every chair, almost every counter, every book, coffee bean and more.
I always regret it when I get the place torn from stem to stern, because it takes FOREVER to put things away.
In the end, I got things put back somewhat in order, but I didn't get all my decorating done.
Today I suppose, I'll finish.
The thought of decorating my house makes me shudder.
I have no desire to do it.
At all.
We should have put up our outdoor lights yesterday when it was nice out.
Today is cold, windy and possible it will snow and rain later.
At least some of my Christmas shopping is done.
Boxes have been arriving lately.
Filled with things I ordered.

If only I could remember who I ordered that monkey for.
For now...

11/24/05
Not much new.
Dad still in our local hospital with "inconclusive CAT scan results" leading to a check up in 2 weeks with a pulmonologist in Lincoln.
He is being treated for Pneumonia now and for the next 2 or 3 days...Even though he has been smoking since he was 11-12 years of age...and the inevitable is looming on the horizon.
He has lost 20 or so pounds.
He has a chronic cough.
His RBC is 12...not 14 like a man should be.
He occasionally coughs up bright red sputum.
You do the math.

It's been a hard 2 days and it feels like a month has went by.

It might be miller time soon...
11/22/05
My Dad's in the hospital.
Not great news.
We may be heading for Lincoln, pulmonologists, biopsies etc.
I'll know more today...probably more than I want to know I'm sure.